In the months after my divorce, I decided to tweak the flow of my bedroom for my new single lifestyle. My first action was to move the heavy wooden dresser from one side of the room to the other. To ensure I wouldn’t be in traction the next day, I removed each drawer first and that's when I discovered it.

In the back corner of the drawer that held everything from granny panties to thongs was a small black jewelry box — and inside, my husband’s wedding ring. 

In the sixty seconds that I stood there frozen, with my eyebrows scrunched inward, I transitioned from being utterly creeped out to angry at the invasion of privacy and ended up feeling compassion for a deeply hurt man.

In our marriage, he was cryptic, secretive, and passive-aggressive — finding his ring tucked amongst my unmentionables told me nothing had changed with divorce. 

Pain has a way of amplifying our worst characteristics. This ring, whose life ended with a burial under the panties for special occasions, was not the original ring. This was ring number three and had been purchased to perform the role of ‘tourniquet’ in a last-ditch effort to stop the bleeding of our marriage. It had no value, sentiment, or engraved flourish.

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Wedding ring #1

My ex-husband’s original band was fairly pricey, white gold, and engraved with the date of our wedding — Valentine’s Day 2003. It only took one anniversary to realize that combining these two occasions meant I’d be getting half the presents and forced to endure the annual torture of making a reservation on the nation’s most romantic holiday.

This ring remained in his possession for several years, which was impressive for a man who misplaced anything of daily importance. Car keys, cell phones, and wallets were constantly on the most wanted list regardless of how many cute wall hooks, or masculine metal key plates I purchased.

When this ring disappeared for a longer interval than usual, we faced the sad truth that it was gone forever. A replacement ring was purchased with much less fanfare and moolah.

Dealing with a lost wedding ring feels like a punch to the gut. It's not just that you've lost an item worth a decent chunk of change but that a cherished and sentimental symbol of your love has gone MIA. According to 2023 research from The Knot, up to 40% of men lose their wedding rings.

cottonbro studio | Pexels

Wedding ring #2

Ring number two disappeared many times over the years, but fate would keep the ring and its owner — as well as our marriage — together for a few more years. We held on through three children, moving homes and states, many silent treatments, stretches of unemployment, financial hardship, and an affair. Any ring that goes through an affair will never look as genuine on a finger.

In general, silent treatment is a manipulation tactic that can leave essential issues in a relationship unresolved. It also can leave the partner on the receiving end feeling worthless, unloved, hurt, confused, frustrated, angry, and unimportant. A 2013 analytical review published by the Journal of Communication Monographs found that both men and women use silent treatment to terminate a partner's behaviors or words rather than to elicit them. In abusive relationships, the silent treatment is used to manipulate the other person and to establish power over them.

On its last day in existence, ring number two was handed to me at the end of a painstaking conversation that did not go as I had planned.

If there was an award for dragging out a divorce through painful vacillation and needless reconciliation, I would be at the podium giving that acceptance speech. The final count was four separations, three reconciliations, and one divorce.

We reconciled again days later, but after being returned to me and then fast-balled across the room, this ring never returned to his finger.

Wedding ring #3

During our third and final reconciliation, I purchased the last ring and placed it under the Christmas tree. Being a hopeless romantic and a delusional optimist, I thought a piece of jewelry would be the crazy glue that could mend a shattered relationship. There is \an intentional pun in there.

But the last go-round was short-lived, and sometime before he left for good, or on a day when he came to retrieve more of his things, it was tucked weirdly at the back of my underwear drawer.

In a 2013 study, researchers found that the most commonly reported significant contributors to divorce were lack of commitment, infidelity, and conflict/arguing. The most common “final straw” reasons were infidelity, domestic violence, and substance use. More participants blamed their partners than blamed themselves for the divorce.

Liza Summer | Pexels

A broken marriage is like a broken leg — to mend it takes a long recuperative phase where both of you are committed to re-splinting it daily and focusing on the healing. 

It did not serve me to keep limping forward, continually re-breaking it and pretending we weren’t without pain, balance, or stability. I believed healing was simply a ring existing on a finger instead of a relationship made whole. 

In the end, I learned that we all would have been better served if I’d had the courage to take that relationship quickly out to pasture and shoot it in the head. The odds of our marriage lasting could have been calculated by the effort I put into the purchase of each ring. 

With the first one, we pored over many display cases, hand in hand, until he found one he loved. Then I adorned it with our special date — and prayed that date wouldn’t change.

With ring two, we went to one store and got a basic band we could afford. I purchased ring number three with a few clicks on Esty for $75 without asking for his input. We didn’t stand a chance.

Tiffany Norman is a writer who shares her life lessons through humor and raw honesty. More of her writing can be found on Medium.

This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.