One of the biggest misconceptions about love is that it is shaped like a pie. We are raised from the time we are babies to believe that there is one "Mr. Right," one "Prince Charming," and one "soul-mate."
While this may be a true assessment, absolutist thinking sets us up for failure. With so many rules and expectations about love, if we aren't set up for failure, then we are most definitely, at the very least, set up for these disturbing and unwanted feelings of jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness, and a slew of other maladaptive feelings that don't allow love to grow but squelch and suppress it.
We need to learn to give love freely, accept love freely, and know the abundance of love is all around us. In turn, we will stop feeling jealous or fearful about our loved ones, stop feeling ownership and possessiveness, and ultimately learn to thrive in our relationships.
Here are 4 crucial things you must fully accept about your partner for it to last, according to psychology:
1. Their capacity for infinite love
Imagine a mother with ten children. She loves all of her children. She can love all ten children, along with her ten siblings and 50 good friends. Whether she loves them equally is based on her relationship with each one and the amount of love they are willing to receive and accept, based on how much they love themselves.
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2. Their need for happiness
After recognizing everyone has the infinite ability to love, you must allow yourself the infinite ability to give love. This is best done by wanting your lover, partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc., to be happy.
If they are flirting with someone at a party, instead of feeling jealous, try to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Does this make them happy? If so, make room for allowance. A little flirtation never hurt anyone, and it may make for better intimacy.
3. Their past
If love is infinite, this should make it easier to accept exes, past relationships, familial ties, etc — that ex she still talks to, or the strange relationship he has with his high school sweetheart. A study published in the Journal of Sex Research shows how being open to talking about their past will help you will now be able to make more allowances for them to exist. They do not take away from how much your partner loves you.
4. Their desire to love freely
When you make allowances for other people to love freely, you open the door for more love in your life. It's simple. Your partner will feel more accepted, appreciated, and less judged by you and, in turn, will be able to give you the love you deserve.
So you need to let go of jealousy and insecurity on a greater level beyond your primary relationship. Maybe you want better relationships with family members or better relationships with your ex's. Maybe you want better friendships that are not tinged with the ownership jealousy demands, as discussed in an article by psychologist Ayala M. Pines.
If you're of the polyamorous type, this kind of thinking can help sustain your primary relationship and all other relationships long into the future. Recognizing there is plenty of love to go around is key to being non-monogamous as well.
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The pie theory of love suggests there is only so much love (100% to be exact) to go around. For example, a pie is a circle or 100%. If you cut a piece of the pie out and give it to someone, and let's say there are eight pieces total, then when one piece is gone, there are only 7/8 of the pie left.
Using this pie theory when it comes to love falsely suggests there is only so much love to go around. At some point, the pie, or in this case love, will be all eaten up or given away. An essay in Psychology and Developing Societies Journal helps demonstrate how this theory, also known in some circles as scarcity economics, is based on a desire to hoard. A study published in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders suggests hoarders have had to "go without" or "starve" for some time. They will inadvertently push the brain into survival mode.
Take a look back to your childhood days and see if you were starved of love and affection or denied your basic attachment needs in any way, as explored by case studies in the Journal of Child Psychotherapy. Whether it be by a mother suffering from postpartum depression to being full-out abandoned by parents, we have at some point in our lives been starved of love. We have had to go without.
Thus, when we get love or find love, we do the very thing that pushes it away. We hold on too tight. By assuming love will run out because we have experienced this very thing before, we hold on tight to not lose our share.
Love is not a pie. Love is infinite, and the amount of love we get is often based on the amount of love we give ourselves.
Moushumi Ghose, MFT, is a licensed therapist and author whose passion is around advocacy and change by breaking down barriers for better relationships.
