When you are ready to move forward with your life and improve, there are steps to move you toward a healthier relationship. If you're not quite ready, take time to heal yourself, then practice the steps.
Here are 10 ways to change unhealthy relationship habits that keep repeating themselves:
1. Be kind and gentle to yourself
When things aren't working out the way you'd like, it's easy to judge yourself. Instead, be kind and gentle. Know that every relationship — healthy and unhealthy — serves a purpose.
Each relationship is there for you to learn and grow from. The most important thing is how you respond to what happens to you.
2. Don't take things personally
Whatever your partner did or didn't want to do, or however they treated you, is based on their level of integrity (i.e., who they are and where they are in their life), as explored by Julie Fitness, Macquarie University.
You just happen to be the person who showed up at this time. Understanding this will better help you to not take things personally.
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3. Reflect on your role in relationships — past and present
Reflect on the same issues and challenges that continue to come up in this and past relationships, as suggested by a study in the Contemporary Family Therapy Journal. Consider how you contributed to these issues and challenges.
For instance, did you stir up troubling situations or escalate things by overreacting? What unhealthy qualities and traits do the people you've been with share? Why do you suppose you attracted these types of people into your life? What lessons are you meant to learn from being with them? How can you feel like you deserve to be with a healthier person moving forward?
4. Prepare yourself by doing the inner work
After you have figured out how you contributed to the issues and challenges in your relationships, do the inner work to improve yourself in those areas.
For instance, if you have tended to avoid confrontation whenever sticky situations come up, you will want to work on being able to express yourself at the moment. Your greatest growth opportunities happen in situations where you feel especially challenged.
5. Get clear on what you want
Determine the top five to seven things that are most important for you to have in your ideal partner and relationship. Let's say you want a partner who is loyal, trustworthy, affectionate, a good communicator, intelligent and active.
Let's say you want to be in a meaningful relationship that flows with ease and is honest, supportive, and respectful. Being clear on what you want makes it easier to stay on track instead of getting sidetracked by the wrong people and relationships.
6. Practice being what you want
We attract who we are and who we are being — not what we want. For the qualities you identified in #5, practice being those very qualities with yourself and in your relationships with friends, family, and co-workers. The more you embody these qualities, the more you will attract a partner and relationship with these qualities.
7. Focus on what you want
If you tend to think about what you don't want, the things you don't want will keep showing up. Instead, keep your focus on the top five to seven things that are most important for you to have in your ideal partner and relationship.
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8. Choose in favor of what you want
Short-term decisions and choices have longer consequences. Whenever you have a choice or decision, make sure you move toward what you want. Ask yourself, "Am I making a choice that will move me closer to what I want?" Your answer will indicate what you should do.
9. Trust in the process and outcome
It's human nature to want to feel in control of things, including love. When you find yourself trying to control everything, you will feel stressed, worried, concerned, and unable to relax. When you are clear and focused on what you want, choosing in favor of those things and trusting in the process, and outcome becomes easier.
When you can truly understand that everything is happening for your greater good, you will be able to relax more easily and trust in what is meant to be.
10. Get comfortable with the unknown
Get comfortable with the unknown by expanding your comfort zone. The reason this is important is you will be changing yourself in positive ways, meeting people who are different, and being treated in ways you are not used to. All of these scenarios represent change.
Even positive change that is outside of your comfort zone will feel uncomfortable. The more you expand your comfort zone, the more you will journey to love with ease and enjoyment.
True and lasting love comes only from a healthy relationship
A study in the Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy suggests how having true and lasting love takes the courage to make changes from within, the focus to stay the course, and the strength to say "no" to people and things that aren't good for you. It means letting go of baggage that no longer serves you and being open to good people you normally wouldn't be interested in.
I encourage you to practice these ten steps to a healthier relationship. Be courageous, let go of baggage, and be open to good people, and you will find true and lasting love. If you have realized you are now in an unhealthy relationship, what will you start doing to detach yourself from this relationship?
Janet Ong Zimmerman is a dating and relationship coach, the founder of Love for Successful Women, and the creator of the Woo Course: 9 Juicy Ways to Bring Out a Man's Desire to Woo You. She helps successful women find the love they desire.
