The more I write about intimacy issues within marriage, the more male listeners, readers and clients ask me questions.  Before finding me, many of these guys followed authors who write a great deal about “gender polarity,” and they often ask me what I think about this concept. 

Specifically, men are interested in whether I believe that men need to act more “masculine” to tap into a woman’s “feminine” energy. This post is meant to address whether I think these concepts are relevant within couples' work and to what extent. Especially in our very PC culture, many people hate these terms, thinking that they denote an overly simplistic and biased mode of thinking. 

Research published by Frontiers in Psychology on masculinity and femininity explored how these concepts are socially constructed, vary across cultures, and impact individuals' behaviors and self-perceptions. Key studies include those by Deaux and Lewis on perceived gender components, Spence and Helmreich on agency and communion, and more recent research on the intersectionality of gender with other identities like race and sexuality. Highlighting the fluidity of these concepts and the potential for harmful gender stereotypes. 

Conceiving some behaviors as “masculine” and some as “feminine” does tend to yield a rigid and archaic categorization of which human behavior “should” fall into which gender category. 

Timur Weber | Pexels

I identify as a feminist, as the definition of a feminist is someone who believes that men and women are equal and should be paid equally for equal work (and I have not yet met a man who does not believe this, quite honestly). Equally as obviously from my work, I also believe that gender differences exist. This is why I frequently write articles from both male and female perspectives, especially about intimacy and relationship issues.

I certainly don’t believe that a man has to be the breadwinner or the higher earner or that a woman needs to stay home with her kids. I also do not believe that a man has to act like an “alpha” if this means an arrogant jerk. Many men miss the mark when trying to become more confident and instead act a lot more arrogant. 

Dean Drobot | Shutterstock

There are some ways that my average client of either gender wishes that their spouse would act more “masculine” or “feminine.”

I work with same-sex couples as well, and often, they have similar wishes about their partners based on which specific behaviors of their partner they yearn to change. 

Let me explain how I think that these concepts may have some utility for the average struggling, frustrated, and/or low-sexual contact couple. Most women who want their husbands to act more “alpha” or “masculine” really mean one thing: proactive behavior. Many, many women wish their husbands would act less passive, and more dominant in bed. 

Research published by Social Behavior and Personality: An International Journal not only confirms that heterosexual women tend to prefer partners who are taller than them, but they also lean toward a preference for dominance in men. Men who show physical strength, masculine facial features, strong-mindedness, etc.

Most of these women are just yearning to feel taken care of and to be reparented because they did not feel deeply cared for as a child. Therefore, when they want their husbands to act more “masculine,” what they really mean is for the man to show that he is strong and will take care of them.

Of course, many of these women are deluding themselves that they would want a more alpha husband. If you are a more “alpha” woman, you want to make all the decisions in your marriage and would get pretty annoyed if a man acted more dominant than you (possibly in all arenas except the bedroom… but it’s a rare man who can defer all day long and then become Christian Grey in the sack at night). 

There are some confident and proactive men who will defer to a loving wife on most day-to-day decisions if and only if he is extremely happy in all other regards, especially intimately. Also, he would need to have a career that provides him ample space to make other important decisions so that he is fine handing over the childcare/home decisions to his wife when he is at home.

A more passive man, who has learned to be this way in his childhood, usually can grow more active and assertive, aka “masculine,” with time and effort, especially if his wife learns to take a backseat in decision-making if this is what she wants. There is no amount of working out learning to “game” women with snappy responses or doing chores that can approximate deep confidence. 

Therapy and introspection can yield more “masculine” behavior, which generally comes from secure attachment and self-love. 

When men want a more “feminine” partner (which I have very rarely heard men say out loud in couples work because it is so politically incorrect, as opposed to the many women who openly state they want more masculine husbands), they usually mean someone who gives them physical tenderness and affection and speaks to them kindly and respectfully. 

Both genders want respect and love in equal amounts, from what I see, despite the popular media notion that men want more respect and women want more love. 

I see many women who feel devalued and disrespected by their partners, but these aren’t the same women who say they want more masculine partners. They also tend to want their wives to take their need for physical touch and love seriously instead of minimizing it.

Artem Bruk | Shutterstock

Overall, both men and women who wish their partner acted more masculine/feminine need to do a deep dive into how they are acting.

If you are a man who wants a loving, sweet woman, but she is acting as CEO of the home and expected to go from vacuuming workhorse to bedroom goddess, you need to step up and act more “masculine,” aka proactive and protect her from things she hates and dreads. 

If you are a woman who wants to make all decisions (you say “share,” but usually this means “only share the ones I want him to share”) but also wants a dominant man who doesn’t get wrapped around the axle with anxiety about what you think, this isn’t going to work unless you act a lot more feminine, aka tender and loving, in bed.

In general, people are very quick to critique a partner’s behavior but very slow to examine their contribution.  Many people choose a partner because they have low self-esteem due to their upbringing, but then as they change, they want the partner to immediately change as well. 

This can’t and doesn’t work. It is essential to figure out whether you are preventing your partner from making small changes toward being more loving, in whatever way you mean loving, by patterns of your own that you fail to interrogate.

Are you a woman who wants a loving, masculine man but criticizes him and belittles him in addition to denying him affection? Are you a man who wants a sensual, feminine woman but opts out of anything difficult and sits around during the day?

If so, you are in a fantasy world and need to think clearly about your behavior before blaming your spouse for not being “enough” in some way. If this post made you think differently about your dynamic, share it with your spouse, especially if you have previously criticized them in this way but now want to examine your contribution to the issue.

Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.

This article was originally published at Dr. Psych Mom. Reprinted with permission from the author.