It can be hard getting over someone who's not right for you, especially when you don’t want to face the feelings of losing someone that you care about. This can be even harder when you were love-bombed or had the spark-y chemistry that comes from a dysfunctional cycle of fighting and then making up. 

So, how do you finally break free from an unhealthy relationship — and truly stay away from it (and heal!)? Follow these rules. 

12 things women who finally escape toxic, unhealthy relationships d

1. Stop trying to make things work

Stop trying to fix someone if they can't give you what you need.

2. Accept the truth

This will allow you to let go of expecting something that you're not getting.

Perhaps you're struggling to acknowledge some core truths about your relationship because you’ve held onto hope they can change.

When the truth hurts, you don’t want to accept it. What can feel worse is losing the person you thought them to be when this is not who they are, after all.

3. Be honest with the situation

Acknowledge the fact that this relationship is over.

4. Cut all contact

You need to break the bond.

Research B. P. Acevedo explores how you can get addicted to the dopamine from the love bombing and ignore your gut telling you that something is wrong when you confuse it for butterflies in your stomach.

5. Don't dwell

Get closure by accepting why the relationship has ended without dwelling on it.

Are you preventing yourself from getting over a toxic relationship?

Perhaps you keep focusing on all the good times and forgetting all the bad times because you don’t want to admit it’s over.

You may be holding on to false hope or looking for the good in them despite their bad behavior towards you. In this way, it may be difficult to know how to stop holding onto an unhealthy relationship, as theorized by Callie Graham, Arizona State University.

6. Process your feelings

Lopolo via Shutterstock

You will feel the pain of letting go, but it will be worth it. However, it's easy to stay stuck in anger

Anger can prevent you from getting over someone bad for you. Therapy can help to heal so you can feel your feelings and release the pain, so you can move on from a relationship that’s bad for you.

7. Let go of the fantasy

Right now, you're holding on to false hope and expecting things to be the way you want. It's time to let go.

You can fall in love with the fantasy of the person by projecting your hopes and unmet needs onto the person. But it all falls apart when the person doesn’t become what you built up in your head.

You see what you want to see in a person and hold onto what you want to believe, even though it might not be what's going on.

Sometimes, it's hard to let go of the person you thought them to be once you see their true colors.

8. Remember the costs

A study by Emma M Marshall, Kent State University, supports that whenever you want them back, remind yourself how the relationship impacted your life and what it has cost you.

9. Stop projecting your unmet needs upon them

It's time to heal those parts of yourself.

10. Understand the unhealed part of you that attracted you to this person

You can do this by engaging in therapy to unlearn patterns of behavior to stop attracting toxic relationships.

11. Focus on rebuilding yourself and giving yourself what you need

This allows you to become the person you want to attract and eventually attract someone who is aligned with who you are, as explored by a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family.

12. Learn to set boundaries

Stop abandoning yourself in relationships so you don’t neglect your own needs.

It's easy to bury your head in the sand and refuse to accept what is wrong in your relationship so you don’t move on from the person who hurt you.

You don't want to admit how you feel because you don't want to accept that the relationship is over.

You can learn how to move on from a toxic relationship if you unlearn the patterns of tolerating unwanted behavior and thereby stop preventing yourself from getting the love you want.

You can heal when you work on the disowned parts of yourself that fear being rejected or are looking for love to feel good enough.

Nancy Carbone is an author, relationship therapist, and psychodynamic therapist. She specializes in the treatment of personality disorders and relational trauma and is accredited as a mental health social worker.

This article was originally published at counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au. Reprinted with permission from the author.