Are you struggling to find your true soul partner? What you may not realize is the key to attracting a partner who is a true match for you lies in the integrity of your character.
You may not even be aware of the ways in which you're "out" of your integrity, but these hidden blocks show up when your relationship is under duress and often lead to the relationship crumbling. So, lead with your integrity and you will attract people who are a good match for you.
Here are 8 ways a woman can attract a true match through integrity:
1. Show up authentically
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Everyone wants to put their best foot forward early on in the dating process, especially when you find your date particularly appealing. This can cause you to be overly agreeable, iron out conflicts, and keep your true feelings to yourself.
All of this twisting into a pretzel in order to get the other person to like you is exhausting. And leaves you feeling resentful of the person you’re dating. If you want someone to love and accept you exactly as you are, you have to show up authentically from the beginning.
This doesn’t mean exposing all of your faults and struggles or sharing your opinion of your date’s behavior. It means that you share how you feel in the moment.
When you show up authentically, you let your date know how you feel at the moment. You share with how your date what you like and don’t like. You can even redirect your date if they aren't offering what you prefer.
Showing up authentically means that if something is a problem, you speak up about it. You’ll learn a lot about how this person can handle conflict and whether the two of you can find common ground. Research from 2019 confirms that being authentic is the best dating strategy.
This doesn’t mean attacking your date's behavior. Instead, share your feelings (not your opinions) starting with yourself, as in, “I feel ____." This is how you know your date is interested in you, and not just looking for something convenient because you’re making it easy by going along with whatever they want.
2. Inspire those who don't match you to deselect themselves
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It’s easy to dress the hot guy up in groom’s clothing and leap into the future imagining how your kids will look. Unfortunately, if you’re looking to keep the hot guy at all costs, you may find that you’re angry and resentful, or burned out from dating.
What creates longevity in a relationship is being a value match. So, being in your integrity means you're holding to your values. This means you’ll be a turnoff to Mr. or Ms. Wrong and a magnet for Mr. or Ms. Right.
Too much time is wasted in the dating process trying to make things work, despite red flags and obstacles. The time it takes for you to connect with your soulmate is quickened when you're authentic from the moment you first meet.
3. Avoid the bait and switch
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One of the biggest issues that show up in marriage counseling is the complaint that your partner no longer seems interested in doing the things you did while you were dating. Now that you’re married, things have drastically changed.
This is a classic "bait and switch" and leaves your partner feeling duped and resentful. If you don’t like the outdoors, don't go on a single hike up in the mountains just to see about meeting someone. The same goes for bowling or swing dancing.
If the activity isn't something you’re curious about or interested in, don’t do it. Having integrity means that you don’t fake it until you get the commitment, and then reveal your true self after the fact. This can be damaging.
During the romance phase, you may find yourself more willing to take risks and behave in ways outside your nature. As the chemical high wears off, you slide back into your normal habits. This is a natural part of the ensuing power struggle every relationship goes through.
Be upfront with your partner about who you are and what you like. Go on those adventures, but also take time to be a couch potato if that's what you want. Don’t give up your morning alone time or forget to take time for yourself early on while dating or going exclusive.
The chemical high of the romance phase can produce a false expectation of what the rest of your lives will be like together. No relationship is always amazing. There are natural highs and lows. You won’t feel that excitement of falling in love in every moment, but there's a much deeper connection you can cultivate over years together knowing you two can stand up to any curve balls life inevitably throws your way.
4. Keep your 'heart karma' clean
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Everyone has "heart karma." When you don’t cleanly end a relationship, you tie up your heart karma and block yourself from creating your true soul partnership. Have you told someone you broke up with that you wanted to remain “friends” so that you didn’t feel guilty about breaking their heart?
Did you pick a fight so that you could more easily segue into the breakup? Perhaps you didn’t know how to tell someone you didn’t want to see them again, so you ghosted?
Keep your heart karma clean by ending relationships with kindness and respect. Respectful breakups and clear communication allow you to have the same mirrored back to you when you’re on the receiving end of a breakup. Clear communication, research from 2021 confirms is at the heart of any relationship.
Release the need to offer friendship when you initiate a breakup. There is a big difference between being friends and being friendly. There's no need to have animosity between you, but "being friends" means that you’d have that person over for dinner or go see a movie with them. That’s what you do with your friends.
Certainly, if you were to bump into them at Starbucks, you could smile and have a quick catch-up — this is being friendly with someone. Otherwise, it is an imbalanced relationship. They may want more than a friendship and might be willing to accept the crumbs, hoping that you’ll change your mind.
It wouldn’t be cool for someone to do that to you, right? Treat your dates with the respect they deserve, and you will receive that in return.
5. Attracts someone of integrity to you by leading with your own integrity
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Like attracts like. When you have integrity, you attract someone with integrity. Having integrity is like shining a bright light that scares away those uncomfortable with being authentic. If you have a history of attracting narcissists, the best way to avoid them is by being authentic.
This sets a boundary in your relationship and repels people who want to become enmeshed in a codependent relationship. Setting a standard for your partner allows you to bond over the things that matter, like life goals.
6. Don't date 'backward'
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Most people date backward. They give a stranger the benefit of the doubt, overlooking potential conflicts because of the rush of feel-good emotions.
When the chemical high of the romance stage eventually wears off, they find themselves in a relationship with a human being who has faults and behaviors they don’t care for.
Speaking up for yourself may be a risk, but wouldn’t you rather know as soon as possible that you can work through some bumps in the road of life without them bailing at the first sign of conflict?
The stranger you’re just getting to know hasn’t earned the benefit of the doubt. Paying attention to your partner's behavior throughout the dating process will show you what they value and will inform your decision to proceed or to deselect them.
Remember, conflicts will arise with anyone you’re partnered with. Save yourself time by discovering early on if they're interested in navigating through difficulties with you.
7. Let integrity and authenticity be the glue for your relationship to last
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A true soul partnership is a relationship where two people come together to create something greater than the sum of its parts. This kind of relationship can become a beacon to others to show them that a long-lasting loving relationship full of respect and kindness exists, and is possible for them, too.
This means that you want to keep your problems within your relationship. Sharing your complaints about your partner with others in your life is disrespectful.
If you have a problem, then you need to talk with your partner about it. If you need some insight into how to have that conversation, then you should talk to a professional (not your mother or your BFF).
Showing your partner this kind of respect and consideration is the ultimate loving compliment. It says you feel safe talking about anything in your relationship.
Honor your partner by not holding onto their past mistakes or keeping score. Instead, clean up your messes as you go. And when you accept their apology, you mean it.
There's only so much growth you can do on your own. The real joy of being in a true soul partnership is that you can inspire one another to become the best version of yourselves.
Your soul desires connection. You can create lasting connection, trust, intimacy, and meaning in your true soul partnership by being in your integrity.
8. Spend less time with Mr. or Ms. Wrong by staying true to yourself
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If you're looking for the fastest way to a true soul partner, you’ll want to say “no” to everything you don't want, allowing space for what you do. Showing up authentically and being in your integrity means you will automatically spend less time dating people who are just not ready for a relationship, or who simply aren't emotionally available for the kind of relationship you desire.
When you go car shopping, you first decide on the make and model you’re most interested in. You wouldn’t drive around aimlessly from one car lot to another, hoping that you’ll just find something you like.
The same goes for dating. Tell them from the start what you desire and what you expect. The right person will be willing to step up and claim you to take you off the market.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.
This article was originally published at Creating Love on Purpose. Reprinted with permission from the author.
