The beginning of a relationship is incredibly intoxicating. During the initial falling-in-love stage of a relationship, you just can’t keep your hands off each other, and your brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals. But what do you do when the excitement wears off and something seems to kill the chemistry between the two of you? How do you get the chemistry back in a relationship?
All intimate relationships experience droughts of chemistry, particularly when your mundane daily existence together has the two of you in a rut. There is a natural ebb and flow throughout a relationship. But how do you know if you’re just in a rut, or if the spark has gone out for good? If you are stuck feeling no chemistry with your partner, it’s time to investigate what is going on, and how to get the chemistry back. If you can’t get the spark ignited again it may be time to walk away.
Here are 7 factors that end someone's attraction to you, no matter how pretty you are:
1. A lack of emotional intimacy
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Without the ability to talk about your feelings with your partner and to share your vulnerabilities, the chemistry won’t last past the Romance Stage of the relationship. Your romantic relationship should be a safe space for you to reveal your true self to your partner and express your wants and needs.
Make time to clear the air from past unresolved conflicts. Do your best to use “I” language and talk about your experience rather than pointing out your partner’s behavior. Create an apology practice and be sure to regularly include forgiveness as a regular ritual between the two of you.
As you open your hearts to one another you’ll find that your desire to connect on a physical level increases. How can you get the chemistry back in a relationship? Open your heart and you’ll create space to reconnect physically.
A lack of emotional intimacy in a relationship can significantly impact its stability, leading to increased conflict, feelings of loneliness, decreased intimate desire, and a higher likelihood of infidelity, as partners may seek emotional fulfillment elsewhere when they don't feel deeply connected with their partner. According to a 2012 study, a relationship can feel empty and unfulfilling without a strong emotional bond, impacting overall satisfaction and well-being.
2. The wrong mind mentality
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While many are turned on by what they see, smell, or hear, your most powerful erogenous zone is the one between your ears. Pay attention to how you are thinking about your partner. Recall what it was like in the beginning when the chemistry was high and in your mind relive those passionate experiences.
Make a mental list of your partner’s most attractive qualities. Fantasize about you and your partner doing something a little risqué. You’ll find that your physical attraction will be triggered by your mental attention.
How can you get the chemistry back in a relationship? Use your mind — the most powerful erogenous zone — to reignite your passion.
2011 research shows that a negative or "wrong" mentality in a relationship can significantly damage its quality. It leads to excessive criticism, lack of empathy, difficulty communicating openly, and a tendency to focus on a partner's negative aspects, ultimately causing resentment and decreased satisfaction in the relationship.
3. Becoming bored
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Routine can be the death of passion. Between work, regular chores, and all the other stresses of daily life, you can find it easier to just relax in front of the TV until it’s time to fall asleep and do it all again the next day. Where are you going to find the time or energy to make love?
Ironically, scheduled spontaneity and regular date nights can help you break out of the doldrums. And even if you aren't intimate every time, making time to be with each other playing, and having fun will keep you engaged in your relationship and out of autopilot.
How can you get the chemistry back in a relationship? Schedule activities to break out of a rut, and rediscover having fun with each other.
4. Avoiding each other's touch
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Couples typically touch each other less the longer they are together, and this can dampen chemistry over time. Regular touch, whether it is holding hands, sharing a foot massage, or kissing, triggers oxytocin in the brain and helps create a stronger emotional bond between you which can overflow into physical arousal.
Back rubs, foot rubs, shoulder rubs – all of these can lead to something more if they become part of your time together. Touch leads to bonding which creates a space for more touch.
How can you get the chemistry back in a relationship? Make loving touch a part of every day you’re together. You’ll keep the flame alive and create space for more fireworks.
Human contact through physical touch is a core element in social bonding, facilitating psychosocial well-being. Research published by the European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology, and Education suggests that avoiding touch can negatively impact relationships by contributing to feelings of emotional distance, misunderstandings, and conflicts.
5. Failing to show appreciation & gratitude
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When you find yourself judging your partner, shift thoughts of criticism or judgment into thoughts of appreciation and gratitude. When you are appreciative, you’ll find that you feel better and in the mood for more connection.
Avoid talking about chores, work, or relationship issues in the bedroom. Instead, share 5 things you are grateful for about each other every night before you turn the lights out.
How can you get the chemistry back in a relationship? Focus on the good between the two of you and how you’re each better together than apart.
Failing to show gratitude in a relationship can significantly damage the connection between partners, leading to feelings of resentment, decreased relationship satisfaction, and a higher likelihood of conflict, as people feel unappreciated and taken for granted when their efforts go unrecognized. A 2017 study found that couples who express gratitude towards each other tend to have stronger, more positive relationships with greater intimacy and commitment.
6. A lack of curiosity
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Part of the doldrums is imagining you already know what your partner is thinking or how they might react. If you’ve lost curiosity about your partner, then you’re making assumptions, which can lead to all kinds of miscommunication and more conflict. Curiosity is an attractive quality. When you are curious about your partner, you’ll feel more attracted to them, and you’ll be more attractive to them.
Experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other. View physical intimacy as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time. Staying curious in the bedroom will keep you from falling into a rut.
How can you get the chemistry back in a relationship? Find ways to stay curious about your partner and let go of your assumptions.
2012 research suggests that a lack of curiosity in a relationship can significantly hinder connection and intimacy, leading to misunderstandings, decreased emotional closeness, and a stagnant relationship dynamic, as curious individuals are more likely to actively listen, ask open-ended questions, and genuinely seek to understand their partner's perspective and experiences, fostering deeper bonds.
7. Never trying new things together
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Being open to exploring something new can bring a lot of spice to your relationship. Check out a tantric yoga class for couples, or look for a video on a couple’s massage. Explore different fantasies with each other. You can even take a cooking or baking class with the intention of creating a romantic meal together. Variety is the spice that creates more chemistry.
Make time for intercourse by setting the mood for intimacy before TV or work dulls your passion. A light meal, along with your favorite music, can set the stage for great physical intimacy.
How can you get the chemistry back in a relationship? Be open to new experiences and explore new ways of connecting.
If there seems to be no chemistry between the two of you and you’re afraid that the spark has left your relationship, take action to rekindle the romance in your life. You’ll find that your love can deepen to be more exquisite the longer you are together. And you may discover that the passion you shared at the beginning is shallow compared to the love you experienced over many decades with your partner.
Avoiding trying new things in a relationship can lead to stagnation, boredom, and decreased relationship satisfaction. The lack of novelty can hinder feelings of excitement and connection between partners, ultimately impacting the overall quality of the relationship. Studies by Dr. Arthur Aron referenced by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology highlight the importance of "self-expansion" through shared novel experiences to maintain a strong bond.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.
This article was originally published at Love On Purpose. Reprinted with permission from the author.
