Many men that I see suffer from tremendous insecurity within their relationships. While frequently highly successful at work, they turn into a different guy with their wives, constantly asking what she wants and how to make her happy. According to a study done by Relate, 60% of men state they feel insecure while dating.

Their wives, far from being appreciative of this more “solicitous” (see numbers 1 and 2 below) version of their husbands, often are disappointed or angered at his passivity and reluctance to take charge.

Listen, I am the first to say that some people, wives certainly included, are never happy, no matter how their partner acts. However, in the dynamic where a husband is always trying to do what his wife wants and she still isn’t happy, there are also many reasons that a wife is dissatisfied that do have to do with him.

Here are 6 most common reasons wives are dissatisfied with their husbands:

1. The husband thinks he is being solicitous and kind but he refuses to take any responsibility 

Here, the man constantly defers to his wife on all major (and minor) decisions because he secretly fears the consequences of making a bad decision and having to shoulder responsibility for it. This most often arises when the man is risk-averse and anxious in general, and often, this behavior is rewarded in his occupation (e.g., doctor, lawyer).

2. The husband thinks he is being solicitous and kind but any outside observer would consider him to be acting passive-aggressive and sulky

Here is the guy who says, “Sure, whatever you want to do,” but says it in a tone that suggests he would rather eat worms than do said activity and is only going along with his wife because she is so difficult and demanding.

3. The husband has a preoccupied attachment style and constantly fears that he's not good enough for his wife

He fears that she will leave him (even if these fears are not openly discussed), and so he subconsciously believes that by deferring to her on every decision, he is such a good partner that she will never leave him. This man was often abandoned, physically or emotionally, by a parent in early life, or had a parent who struggled with emotional issues such that they could not be consistently present. 

He is terrified of abandonment and therefore tries to make himself so agreeable that he can never be left by his partner; ironically, this makes HER feel emotionally abandoned and like the only adult in the relationship.

4. The husband claims he's being constantly criticized

Mostly for his decision-making earlier in the relationship and he has now emotionally checked out of all decisions to protect himself.

5. The husband is very conflict-averse

In fact, most men are conflict-averse and do not think that a discussion about their different opinions on some topic is worth the inevitable (from his perspective) fight that may result.

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6. The husband does not care about what the family does because he is depressed and dealing with issues that he refuses to acknowledge

He couches this total abdication of his life in the guise of being really “laid back” or “going with the flow” but his wife knows something is wrong with him and is furious that he will not deal with his issues and instead remains on the couch, sucked into his phone or video games, often overeating/overdrinking/overusing substances.

Note that by talking about decision-making, I am assuredly not talking about “emotional labor” in the catch-all way it is used now. For instance, I think it’s wonderful if the man gets up and cleans the garage, with a positive attitude, when his wife asks him to. 

I would take her four seconds of “emotional labor” aka noticing the garage is a mess over his four hours of fixing it up any day. (Of course, this changes if he is a jerk about doing it.) I am referring to situations where the man NEVER schedules a date night. It's important to have frequent date nights as a couple with research from the second edition of 'The Date Night Opportunity' report stating it can lead to happier relationships and a more satisfying love life. 

He also never initiates being intimate (without his wife “pre-initiating” otherwise known as telling him it’s a go in some implicit or explicit way), has no short- or long-term goals for the couple or the family, starts no projects, has no initiatives, and basically acts like an executive assistant in the home, and often a low-energy, passive-aggressive one.

In these situations, the wife feels completely abandoned and like she is the only adult steering the relationship and the family overall. The husband says that she rejects his attempts at taking charge, and he is right; she does shoot down his infrequent, timidly expressed ideas the few times a year that he alludes to having any because she is used to being the CEO of everything and she has no patience anymore. 

She assumes that if he thought his idea was good, he would express it strongly and confidently, which, unfortunately, does not feel possible to most men in this dynamic. The man starts out being scared of his wife’s rejection and/or of his decisions turning out badly, so, over time, he takes less and less risk and just follows his wife’s lead more and more. 

Instead of making her happy, she grows increasingly resentful and overwhelmed, yet, of course, more confident in her own decisions (practice makes perfect, after all) and rejects the few suggestions, he does make, and this convinces him even more that she wants something impossible: a take-charge man who magically thinks of ideas that she already is enthusiastic about.

The man needs to immediately try to stop caring what his wife thinks about his decisions. This may take therapy of his own, especially if he saw a passive father figure or his relationship seems very tenuous to him. 

He needs to start thinking of what is best for the family and for his wife, and doing this even if she argues with him. Both men and women want to be taken care of, and a successful marriage “reparents” both partners. 

In a dynamic where the woman feels like she has to make all the decisions, she feels like the man’s mother, and she needs to see him step up and sometimes act as HER parent, in the most healthy sense, which means that she can trust him to do what is best for her in a long-term way. Often, this goes against what she wants in the short term.

Women who are sick of being the boss love this idea. They agree with me vocally and enthusiastically when I tell their husbands they need to start doing what is good for them versus deferring to them and wilting in the face of their every objection. 

The husbands say, “Yeah, she agrees with you in session, but if I tried to go up against her in private, it would be World War 3.” So, I rejoinder, “Try it. Don’t concern yourself with what she wants short term. Do what you think is best for her and for your couple unit and family unit long-term and big-picture. If she says no, oh well. What is the worst that can happen? A fight? Conflict is happening anyway.”

Of course, this will go best when the husband doesn’t just change how he acts on a dime, confusing and scaring his wife, but narrates his change of heart and empathizes with her. 

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Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.

This article was originally published at Dr. Psych Mom. Reprinted with permission from the author.