Never mind the circus of outfits and the theatre of the event, marriage is a promise and a journey. We need to know specifically what direction we are going in. So, as a wedding present, I’ll give my son and his partner a week away in a quiet place to sit and write their vows to each other. 

Vows about what kind of relationship they long for and how they will create this together. This means not only envisioning where they want to be in 5, 10, or 20 years but also what they will do every day to get there.

The three wedding vows a world-renowned therapist hopes her son will make on his wedding day:

1. I believe in you and our bond

And what does the science of love and attachment, as shown by a study in The British Journal of Social Psychology, tell us about making vows like this?

As someone who studies this science, I suggest the most potent vow of all might be, “I will struggle to be open to you and to respond to you from my heart, my emotions, even when I am angry or afraid or hurting. I will take the risk of reaching for you when we are stuck in distance. I will still turn and risk — choosing to believe in you and our bond.”

2. I vow to stay open and responsive

Over 35 years of watching distressed couples transform their relationships has taught me that when partners can stay open and responsive, they can have what I call "Hold Me Tight" conversations. An article in Current Opinion in Psychology shows how they can then share their vulnerabilities and needs rather than closing down or resorting to critical anger.

The safety this creates allows them to find a way through differences, solve challenging life problems together, and shape the lasting connection that we glimpse in those romance stories.

This commitment and journey are not for those who like easy sentimental illusions; it takes guts to move into a "Hold Me Tight" conversation, for you to tell your partner,

3. I vow to hold you and our bond tight

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“No matter what, I want to be here, and maybe I need some reassurance that, even when things aren’t going well, I am still your special one. I have room to mess up and this relationship is worth struggling for.”

The research of social worker Robert S. Weiss tells us when we have a secure emotional bond, we have a resource that keeps on giving and leads us to emotional balance, better health, resilience to stress, and a more positive sense of who we are.

4. I vow to bring joy to our marriage

Oh, it brings us joy! We are wired to feel a rush of joy when we move into the vibrant connection we call intimacy. It’s our brain telling us that we are home, where we are meant to be.

I wish all the couples who will marry joy and secure connection — and the time to explore what they need and want to give in a love relationship — so their vows are a compass to guide them over the years.

Dr. Sue Johnson was the Director of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy and the author of multiple best-selling books, including Hold Me Tight and Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.