Over the years, I have seen countless women both professionally and personally who, without being aware, slip into an insecure, child-like place in their marriage. They lack self-confidence and find it difficult to be themselves. This can happen to any woman for many different reasons.

So, if you're one of those women who feels like an adult in every other place in her life (ie: workplace, parenting, friends, etc.) but not in her marriage, then here are five steps to help you find and hold onto the adult (you) in your marriage and feel secure in your bond.

Here are three daily habits of couples who feel incredibly secure in their marriages:

1. They name what they're feeling

Do you feel fear when your husband makes a critical remark towards you? Do you feel flooded with anger when your husband walks away from you in the middle of a conversation?

2. They connect their feelings to their past

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Is your fear-based reaction to your husband's critical voice reminiscent of your father criticizing your behavior at eight years old? Is the anger you feel when your husband walks away from you in mid-sentence a jarring reminder of your mother walking away from you at age six while you are in tears out of sheer frustration?

Then they send it back to where it belongs — out of your marriage. Once you can connect the dots, take a moment alone to visualize yourself boxing that feeling and sending it away back into your past where it belongs. 

Close the door to that memory, throw away the key, and walk away. Letting go of the past is healthy for you, and can lead to better emotional wellbeing, research from 2022 confirms.

3. They know what makes them feel confident and what doesn't

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Think of moments in the present where you feel like a confident adult who trusts herself with the highest esteem: with close friends, at the workplace, as a parent with your children, etc. 

Get very specific with the example you choose and visualize how confident you feel in that space. 2023 research found that being confident often leads to better mental and physical health and less stress.

With your new visual, place it now in the present: in your marriage. Embody that confident adult no matter what comes your way in your relationship.

Sharing these five steps with you is pretty simple; executing them is the challenge. However, with time, practice, and trust in your abilities, I know that you can achieve all five steps if you are willing to push through the process. In time, the feelings of your past will become less frequent and how you react in your marriage will no longer be weighed down by your anxiety from the past.

Carin Goldstein has been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for over 10 years. She also writes about relationships and marriage and has shared her expertise in various magazines and websites such as Cosmopolitan, Women's Daily, and Redbook.