It always seems like one person wants their partner to be able to read their mind. In my office, they tell me this: "He should know what I like/want/need without me having to tell him. If I have to tell him what I want, it doesn't mean as much when he gives it to me."

The funny thing is that some couples seem very good at mind reading.  But are they? No, they are not — they are not mind readers at all! They are very good anticipators.

How to read a man's mind using Pavlov's theory of classic conditioning

Here's the way it works. Couples meet, decide to court, and spend much time together. With time, they repeatedly tell each other what they want. Especially early on, the operative word here is repeatedly.

Vera Arsic / Pexels

What happens next? They get what they ask for and are pleased and appreciative. Being given what we ask for is a direct sign that our lover cares about us. One University of Illinois study states that saying thank you to your partner can improve your marriage.

Pavlov's theory of conditioning is essentially someone learning how to do something through repetition and rewards. The repetition of appreciation reinforces the behavior. With reinforcement, a pattern is built. A pattern is a pattern because it is repeated.

So, if you frequently tell me that bringing you a hot cup of coffee in bed on Saturday mornings means more to you than life itself, I get it to you. Then you tell me how much you appreciate coffee and that you also appreciate me; after a while, the coffee magically shows up each Saturday morning without you asking for it. 

Why? Because I've been conditioned to bring it. And the cool thing about all of this? It all happens unconsciously.

Fast forward 20 years from now when you mention to one of your neighbors or friends that your spouse does this for you every Saturday morning. They will ask:  "How does he know to do that?" You won’t say, “I’ve conditioned him well.” You will probably say: "I don't know; I guess he just reads my mind."  And your neighbor will remark:  "Jeez, I wish my husband would read MY mind!"

But clearly, no one has read anyone's mind. Both of you have participated in building a pattern that no longer depends on verbal commands. 

Marcus Aurelius / Pexels

If, however, you find these patterns of affection seem to have vanished, maybe it’s time to talk about the relationship in general. But remember, it all began by asking for or making known what you want. Research from the Gottman Institute states that communicating your needs is the only way to get what you want from your partner.

"Ah," you say, "but I already have told him/her what I want, and I'm not getting it. Your theory is wrong." Well, maybe, but maybe not. 

Maybe one part of the pattern reinforcement is missing, such as appreciation. Or, there might be some resentment for an unspoken wound standing in the way.

Whether a pattern has been set or not, the only way to create one is by asking for what you want. So maybe it’s time to let go of the belief that asking for what you want means he doesn’t care about you. 

Instead, change the belief to: Ask and you shall receive. Consider what you receive as a gift, show appreciation, and build a pattern.

Dr. Jim Hutt has been a counselor for over 40 years. He coaches parents on dealing with their children effectively and helps couples manage conflict and become happier.