We have come a long way from the days when some privileged men were expected to ride up on horseback, present flowers, and formally woo the parents of their potential beloved to begin the courting process. But perhaps things weren’t as great as they seemed back then.

After all, people didn’t have deodorant, proper dental care, or modern amenities, let alone equal rights, so despite the romantic undertones we perceive of the era, it's easy to see the past wasn’t as rosy as it seems. But in today’s world, we've gone too far in the opposite direction.

In the current dating scene, men have, for the most part, arrived at a place where effort is rarely seen. No matter how old I get, I frequently encounter men who do nothing more than send an occasional emoji as their primary form of communication. This lack of effort is often framed as an “adorable attempt” to stay in the forefront of her mind. But that's not enough. 

Here are 4 old-fashioned dating expectations to throw away and one we need to bring back

1. Stop wooing just to woo

When it comes to modern romance, effort seems to be on the endangered species list. I rarely encounter men who genuinely want to get to know a woman. What was her life like growing up? What makes her happy? What excites her? What are her hobbies? What was the best part of her day? These are all opportunities to connect on a deeper level, but they are rarely taken — like roads overgrown from lack of travel.

Women crave effort. Let me be clear, effort does not just mean spending money or showering someone with gifts. Generous gestures without thought or consideration feel incredibly empty. Effort in a relationship or a dating context is about the intention behind your actions, as explored in a study published by Frontiers in Psychology.

As someone who spent my 20s contracted with Playboy TV, I encountered countless men who viewed relationships as transactional. In many ways, relationships are transactional. They involve an energy exchange. We flow into each other’s lives, ideally leaving ourselves fuller or more joyful thanks to the connection with our partner.

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2. Stop treating dating like it's a transaction 

However, things are rarely as simple as a quick exchange of good vibes. A transactional relationship might be pleasant for a short time but will never stand the test of time. An article from Finders University helps explain that at some point, a woman will want to know you value her as a human being, not just as a "meat suit" to serve a temporary purpose.

In my years of dating, I often could not understand why I felt so lonely. I was constantly fighting for scraps of depth. I longed for someone who would engage with me on a meaningful level, but what I encountered instead was an endless stream of surface-level interactions. Men who were more interested in keeping things easy and shallow rather than investing the time and energy needed to build something real.

3. Give up the outdated idea of the chase

In the past, when I was interested in a man, my method was simple. I would show a tiny bit of interest, then do nothing. I told myself men needed to pursue, and I needed to provide them with a chase. And guess what? This worked every time. 

If I found someone intriguing, I would play hard to get, and they would come running. But when I broke my rulebook and made an effort to get to know them, it often came across as "too much," and nothing would come of it, which seems to counterindicate research on progression bias published by the Personality and Social Psychology Review.

That raises an important question. Was my lack of effort causing them to pursue out of genuine interest, or were we simply tuning into outdated instincts? Was there any depth or real connection, or was this just a response to an age-old game we’ve all been taught to play? After all, it’s easy to want what we can’t have, but is that truly the foundation for a meaningful relationship?

4. Stop letting guys off the emotional hook 

We all have colorful lives with so much to share. This isn’t an all-or-nothing situation. Even if some men prefer less depth in their conversations, they still want to feel special. 

On the flip side, women often want to feel understood on more than just a surface level. But that doesn’t mean every conversation has to be a deep dive into someone’s soul. Sometimes, we crave witty banter or silly conversation to make us laugh and forget about our day, as supported in research on motivations and preferences in romantic relationships published by Frontiers in Psychology.

Whatever the case may be, we certainly need more than just a winky face emoji. People, step it up! This illusion the right person will click with us without any effort, and we’ll magically know they’re the one, is absurd. 

It’s an idea programmed into us by romantic comedies, which, if you think about it, still shows the guy making an effort. Does the romantic lead not chase down the girl at the airport, or spend weeks training a flash mob to dance in unison to a sappy love song? Even in those exaggerated storylines, effort is key.

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Bring back the 'slow burn'

Sustaining a relationship takes effort, and getting into one takes effort, too. There is such a thing as the right amount of effort, but that amount changes depending on the person and the relationship.

The idea love should be effortless is not true. Yes, chemistry matters, as shown in a study of oxytocin and love published in the Journal of Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology. Some connections may flow more easily than others, but no lasting relationship survives on chemistry alone.

So, what does the “right” amount of effort look like? It’s about paying attention to your partner’s needs. It’s about asking questions, showing interest, and being present. Sometimes, it’s the grand gestures like planning a special date or buying a thoughtful gift. Other times, it’s the little things: remembering how she likes her coffee or sending a text to check in on her after a long day.

The point is, you better stay on your toes. Relationships may start with a spark, but they thrive when both partners continually invest in each other. It’s time to bring back effort in romance—because a winky emoji isn’t cutting it.

Erika Jordan is an internationally acclaimed love and relationship expert, NLP practitioner, author, media personality, and a leader in the field of digital romance and online dating.