Why do you attract narcissists? Because your low self-esteem and lack of confidence leave you vulnerable to his manipulations.
You can change your strategies, develop a stronger sense of self, and learn to set and keep boundaries. Here are a few actions you can take so you never again have to ask, “Why do I attract narcissists?”
If you can master these 6 skills, you'll stop attracting selfish men:
1. Set and keep clear boundaries.
There is nothing wrong with being empathetic and considerate of others. These are admirable qualities. It’s sensible to be a generous and compassionate person; however, it is not a requirement to sacrifice your needs and ignore your wants in a loving relationship.
If you allow bad behavior to continue because you’re unwilling to set and enforce your boundaries, you will leave yourself open to being manipulated by a narcissist. Research from the Gottman Institute states that setting boundaries lets others know how to treat you.
Do you know what behaviors are deal breakers for you? Are you willing to enforce consequences if your partner doesn’t honor an agreement? Setting and keeping boundaries is your most potent action to break this pattern.
A narcissist will ignore and repeatedly push your boundaries. Don’t give in, and he’ll eventually move on. You will likely have to end all contact for him to do so.
2. Don’t be fooled by instant intimacy.
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The false flag of “love at first sight” is instant intimacy with a narcissist. The rush of an immediate spark with a stranger can be a warning signal that there is danger ahead. Research from Harvard states that love at first sight is just chemicals released in our brains when we see someone attractive.
Soulmate relationships don’t happen after a few dates; they develop over time. Seduction by a narcissist is exhilarating because they are overwhelmingly charming and put all their attention on their target.
Never give a stranger the benefit of the doubt just because you feel a strong attraction to him. Do not ignore any red flags.
The dating process should take some time. Wait it out until he proves he can meet your needs. Observe him closely when there is a conflict or disagreement. See if he is capable of seeing your point of view.
Being patient and not rushing in quickly to exclusivity or physical intimacy will become like a security system that keeps the narcissists away from you. They’ll look for an easier target.
3. Pay attention to the thoughts and feelings he inspires in you.
Do you review your conversations with him after the fact, looking for what you could’ve done better or differently? Are you feeling light and uplifted after talking with him, or do you feel insecure, anxious, and criticize yourself? According to the Society for Personality and Social Psychology research, healthy love is not supposed to make you so uneasy.
How you feel after you part with him will tell you a lot about whether he is a good long-term match for you. Feeling euphoric and obsessively thinking about him can also be a warning sign.
The start of a healthy love relationship will leave you feeling curious, happy, and contented. It’s similar to feeling warm and tingly inside, like there is sunshine in your heart. If you’re questioning whether or not your feelings are valid, get out and move on!
4. Make requests and observe how he responds.
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Statistics tell us that roughly 1-2% of the American population has narcissistic personality disorder, and that means we sometimes end up in relationships with them. A narcissist won’t be interested in meeting your needs. He may give you lip service, but he won’t follow through.
Pay attention to how he responds when you request or ask him to do something for you. Does he get defensive? Does he argue with you and belittle your request?
Does he downplay or try to diminish your feelings? Narcissists see your needs as competing with their own. By making requests, you can discover if he can step up and meet your needs. If he cannot or doesn’t even try, it’s time to let him go.
5. Build your self-confidence.
You weren’t born feeling self-confident or feeling insecure. You learned to feel one way or the other, depending on your experiences. Self-confidence doesn’t develop out of thin air; it comes from taking actions that make you feel good about yourself.
You can try to grow your self-confidence by doing things you’ve never done before. There are many opportunities, such as taking an online class, doing something creative, or stepping out of your comfort zone.
Small, consistent changes can have a dramatic effect in a relatively short period of time. Psychology tells us that being self-confident has benefits, too, like less anxiety and depression and lower stress levels.
You won’t develop self-confidence overnight, and you don’t have to change everything about yourself all at once. Take one small step at a time.
Start by making agreements with yourself that you promise to keep. If you forget or make a mistake, start again. Every day is a new opportunity to stick to your commitments.
The more self-confident you become, the less attractive you are to a narcissist. They won’t even notice you when looking for their next target.
6. Focus on what’s important.
Attraction is essential for lasting love, but it's only one ingredient. Without shared values, love won’t last because there won’t be common ground for you two to connect through difficult times.
You may feel a strong attraction to the narcissists you meet, but you don’t share the same values, and you can’t build a life together. Seek clarity on what is important to you in a romantic relationship.
Discover the dynamic that you would like to have between the two of you. Don’t rush to a commitment to discover if a guy values the same things you do so you can create a life filled with love and respect.
If you worry and think to yourself, “Why do I attract narcissists?” The answer won’t move you toward your goal of sharing your life with your soulmate.
Instead, become the kind of person who won’t even notice the narcissist in the room. One that the narcissist would pass by and never think to engage with because you’re not an easy target for him.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474 or log onto thehotline.org.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches, the founders of Creating Love On Purpose, which takes a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.
