Have you ever wondered if you were missing something when it comes to having a relationship with a man? Do you sometimes get the sense that all men are screwed up? That love is too difficult? That you will never find that terrific guy who can rock your world?
Well, you're not alone. Many Gen-X women have experienced these thoughts and feelings. In this post, you'll learn about the powerful force at the root of your disappointments in love: outdated, generational beliefs that are no longer true and that no longer suit you.
Here are 6 things Gen-X women believe about love that are no longer true:
1. "There are no good men"
Other variations on this theme:
• All men are jerks.
• All men are babies.
• All men are cheaters.
• All men are liars.
• All men let you down in the end.
• All the good ones are taken.
• All the available men have defects.
• All the available men are losers.
This killer belief usually surfaces in two different ways: a dead-end dating pattern where every single contender is perceived as having a fatal flaw; or, as out-of-control fears of rejection and abandonment that nullify feelings of trust and shut down a woman's heart.
The "Not-Perfect-I'll-Pass" Problem: This is the notion that all the good guys are taken and only the defective ones are available. This guy is too paunchy, too bald, too old, too young, or even too good-looking, and that one has hands that are just too small. Other deal breakers: bad taste in music, a cheesy sense of humor, loves me too much, being too predictable, or using the wrong table fork.
These complaints—including the typical ones that I've listed above—have nothing to do with the qualities that make for a partner who can provide lasting love and happiness. Study after study has shown that the most important variables that lead to happy relationships and marriages are a guy's (and your) character virtues, especially empathy, concern for others, and a willingness to grow.
Instead of being nit-picky, change your perception to notice what is really at the guy's core in terms of his values and character. If you don't, your killer belief and the attitudes associated with it create negative and contemptuous vibes and emasculating, cold behavior that sends men heading for the hills.
The "Chase Me" Problem: Maybe you're not Miss Picky when it comes to relationships, but the minute your boyfriend wants to move forward to a deeper commitment, you panic. You pull back and become unavailable or quiet or act crazy and dump him.
Even if he acts lovingly, you insist to your friends that he doesn't care about you. All this happens almost against your own will and for no reason having to do with him or the relationship. I call this pattern "Chase Me."
The "Chase Me" deadly dating pattern is all about fear. Deep down, you believe that no matter how good things are right now, it's not going to last: somewhere down the road there will be rejection and abandonment.
The net-net is that you are the commitment-phobe. When you start to seriously fall for someone, you break up with him before he can hurt you.
In this way, you are in control of the heartbreak. What you want is for the man to smash through the barricades you've thrown up, ride in on his white horse, and claim you.
But you never give him even the remotest clue, and because you've pushed him away, again and again, he doesn't come after you. Women who operate under the "Chase Me" pattern usually wind up helping to create the very thing they fear: being abandoned and alone.
Warning Signs: You keep wondering why a woman like you who has so much going for her is single and alone. In addition, you may be lost in a whirl where you love him, you hate him, you just don't care —and you can't stop yourself from acting mean or distant.
2. "I will never have lasting love because something's wrong with me"
cottonbro studio / Pexels
Other variations on this theme:
• I can't trust my instincts, choices, or judgment.
• I am unlovable.
• I am too old.
• I am too fat.
• I am not attractive to men.
• I am too successful.
• I am not successful enough.
• I have kids that get in the way.
• I have nothing to offer.
• I'm damaged goods.
• I don't know what's wrong with me.
This killer belief tends to create fears of being rejected that can play out in many different ways. You might be self-deprecating, where you put yourself down jokingly to guard against the rejection that you know is coming.
You might say: "I'm a great person to fall for; I've got six kids and live in a rented shoe. Not really.
But I do have teenagers that drive me crazy and our place is so tiny..." You may withhold information about your past or lie about your debt. You may push a man away altogether even though the initial courtship has gone well. Or you tolerate only so much closeness and if the guy starts showing real interest and commitment you react by rejecting him for no apparent reason.
On the other hand, if you are saddled with this self-sabotaging belief, you may put up with a distant and unsatisfying relationship or even one where you are physically or verbally abused.
Warning Signs: You have many self-doubts, especially about your deservedness and attractiveness as a woman. It is very hard, if not impossible, to relax, be real, and speak your truth with a man. You may over-give to gain the love of a man.
3. "True love does not exist, it's just a deal"
Other variations on this theme:
• Men just use women.
• Only weak or needy people stay with each other.
• Relationships are merely tit-for-tat trade-offs, like a business deal.
• Lasting love is a made-up Hollywood and advertising fantasy.
• There are no really happy couples, only ones that have settled.
• Lasting relationships are not about love, they are about compromising for the sake of the children.
• The best I can hope for is (fill in the blank).
This killer belief creates cynicism and hopelessness about true, caring, passionate, and fulfilling love. No matter how kind or caring the guy is towards her, this woman still wonders, "What is he after?" "Does he need a trophy woman to look good?" "Does he need help to get a new job?"
Loving acts are seen as barter chips to get something in return. If a man feels only that cynicism, he will walk away.
Warning Signs: It is baffling: even though you are successful and can get what you want when it comes to your career, your skill sets don't work when it comes to attracting men and creating a love relationship. And you think they should work in that arena too.
4. "Love is too difficult"
Other variations on this theme:
• The price for love is too high.
• It's too painful.
• It could be angry, explosive, and dangerous.
• I have to tiptoe around in my relationship.
• I'll never get what I want.
• I've seen what people go through and they end up miserable anyway.
• Love means suffering.
• Breakups damage you.
• You can never recover from a breakup.
• Relationships can cause you physical or emotional harm.
• We bring out the worst in each other.
This killer belief tends to fuel fears of being damaged or damaging to your partner. It is common when there has been anger and verbal or physical abuse in your upbringing or if you have an explosive temper yourself. The fear is that it is not safe to be in a close, intimate relationship — for you and/or for your partner.
Sometimes this fear is unconscious and you can't understand why people would make remarks like, "I have to walk on eggshells around you." On a conscious level, you are painfully aware that somehow or other you manage to break free of any relationship with a future in it.
Warning Signs: If you are honest with yourself, you have to admit that you need to control your own over-the-top emotionality and drama. You need a relationship with a steady and empowered guy who gives you the sense that drama from either one of you will not be allowed to burst out and ruin things.
5. "This is not it"
Keenan Constance / Pexels
Other variations on this theme:
• It's not perfect.
• This does not match the image I had.
• This is not the way it is supposed to be.
• This is not my happily-ever-after
• He's not my soul mate prince.
• He doesn't look like my type, which is (fill in the blank).
• He's not good enough
• There's not enough chemistry.
• We're not a good match.
• We're going in different directions.
• This relationship isn't working.
• I am not willing to settle for less than my perfect relationship.
• This is not what I expected love to be like (look like) (feel like).
The killer belief "this is not it" tends to create fears of settling for a relationship that is not like the script in your head. You have a fantasy, Technicolor version of the ideal relationship cobbled together from childhood images, fairy tales, romance movies, and the like.
The reality of what is happening now with your boyfriend does not match that picture. There is a great deal of anxiety about trusting the relationship and/or if he is really good enough. When he wants to move forward into a deeper commitment, you tend to pull back.
Warning Signs: You have never actually seen a real-life (movies and TV don't count) couple living out the fulfilling happily-ever-after relationship that you are going to have with your soulmate. You haven't met him yet, but you (kind of) believe he's coming and it's all going to happen one day.
6. "Relationships mean that one person has to give him/herself up"
Other variations on this theme:
• I can't be my real self in a relationship.
• I need too much.
• I have to do all the work to make the relationship happen.
• I am losing my identity in this relationship.
• I can't speak my truth.
• I can't get what I need.
• I can't win with this man.
• I don't have any power in this relationship.
• I have to be the way he wants me to be.
• He has to be the way I want him to be.
• I have to avoid conflict.
• I have to teach him what love is.
• I have to forget my needs and concentrate on fulfilling them.
This killer belief tends to create fears of being smothered or smothering your partner. The woman fears that she will create an empty, one-way relationship where one of the partners is completely taken over by the needs and wants of the other.
Ultimately this belief and the behaviors that it fuels can lead to a relationship where you don't express your true feelings and real wants. That type of relationship is not only inauthentic, it is also boring and unfulfilling. In some cases, the woman ditches her friends and her independence to submerge herself wholly with the One; sometimes it is the guy who is desperate to please and bond with his partner.
Warning Signs: You give, give, give to make it work, 'til you can't anymore and you end up feeling empty, taken advantage of, and pissed off. Or you take up with an accommodating milquetoast and are bored, bored, bored. As we've discovered, it is your secret and not-so-secret killer beliefs that can destroy your relationships.
Dr. Diana Kirschner is a PBS Love expert and psychologist, and the author of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide To Lasting Love. This is an adaptation from Sealing The Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love by Dr. Diana Kirschner.
