I'd never advocate someone make a drastic personality change to find a partner. And this one is a twofer: A) there is probably someone out there that can get on board with who you are and B) most personality changes are either temporary or the kind of exhausting that may eventually result in hysterical blindness. Not worth it.

That said, transforming yourself probably isn't as valuable while on the prowl for a great dude as being the kind of person that he wants to be around when neither of you is particularly interested in seeing one another naked. Or, as Helen Fisher calls it, "life's greatest prize." That said, some emotional qualities attract men above all others. 

Here are 10 rare emotional qualities that attract men the most, according to psychology:

1. Kindness

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I appreciate that 80s movies convinced us that "nice" was a one-syllable way of saying "bland." However, the typical guy is looking for someone who isn't awful to the people who work in TSA because, eventually, that kind of barking at waiters and kids and baristas is going to be his problem.

Research studies from 2023 indicated that kindness is considered a desirable trait in women, with multiple studies showing people perceive individuals described as kind to be more physically attractive overall, suggesting a "what is good is beautiful" phenomenon where positive personality traits like kindness enhance perceived attractiveness; this holds across genders and cultures.

2. Grace

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I've seen enough videos of people dancing on Instagram to know that physical grace and coordination in a partner is entirely too much to ask for. However, the two other definitions aren't.

Most of us behave terribly under stress. We screw up our fight/flight/freeze reaction by fighting with the people around us rather than fighting the problem. Most men are more attracted to someone who exhibits grace in a stressful moment than someone who picks that exact moment to start airing her grievances and dirty laundry. Speaking of unclean sheets, grace is also the quality that allows us to let go of old stuff already. Palate cleanser time.

While there aren't many direct studies solely focused on "grace" as an attractive trait in women, research on physical attractiveness often mentions grace as a key component of an appealing demeanor, particularly when describing movement and poise. Studies often link it to concepts like elegance and refined behavior, suggesting its perceived attractiveness in social interactions, according to a 2019 study.

3. Thoughtfulness

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Kind people aren't always thoughtful but generally, thoughtful people are kind. At any rate, doing highly conscientious, ground-level things goes a long way (i.e., showing up to meet his friends for the first time and bringing cupcakes, helping an old person put groceries in her trunk, etcl).

Anything that might make a decent person's day goes a long way in our book. Maybe women are generally better at this but remembering that a distant acquaintance likes early Margaret Atwood novels is practically magic to men.

4. Humor

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You don't have to be a nonstop one-liner machine. That becomes tedious even with an occasional drinking buddy. And you don't have to laugh at that terrible impression of Nicholas Cage we all do. But it's nice if you enjoy laughing and can appreciate that sometimes in life the joke is on you. 

“The idea that humor is a signal of intelligence doesn’t give humor its due credit,” an associate professor of communication studies said. “If you meet someone you can laugh with, it might mean your future relationship will be fun and filled with good cheer.” In 2015 research from the Journal of Evolutionary Psychology, author Jeffrey A. Hall discusses three studies he performed that didn’t find a connection between humor and intelligence.

5. Decisiveness

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Seriously, all food is fine. I don't care that I had pizza for lunch. I'll eat it again. Pick something. Please. Research from a 2018 study by the Pew Research Center suggests that men often find decisiveness in women attractive because it signals competence, leadership potential, and confidence. 

These qualities are generally considered desirable in a partner, particularly from an evolutionary perspective, where a partner capable of making sound decisions could contribute to the well-being and security of a family unit. Additionally, the exact perception of this trait can vary depending on cultural norms and individual preferences.

6. Whatever the opposite of neediness is

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I appreciate that the self-help community has told us that confidence is attractive or maybe it's just that abject neediness is so unattractive. And so is overabundant confidence. This one's hard because being needed once in a long-term relationship is nice. Just don't be weird about it, cool?

Professor Matthew Hornsey, from UQ’s School of Psychology, said many women grew up feeling they had to change themselves to find love fundamentally. “In particular, there is a belief among women that they need to be conformist to be attractive to men,” Professor Hornsey said. 

“Our research shows a pervasive belief that men go for relatively conformist women, but all our data suggests the opposite.” Professor Hornsey and collaborators ran several studies testing the attractiveness of various dating prospects.

7. Emotional intelligence

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Unfortunately, it means something wholly different for men than it does for women. In the same way, a lady may want her fella to listen to her problems rather than attempt to solve them, a fella will oftentimes want to be left alone with his problems rather than talk about them. Unfortunately, you're flipping a coin with when to engage and when to retreat until you get to know a guy.

8. Romantic assertiveness

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By and large, men still do the majority of the romantic pursuit. It doesn't mean we think that being thirsty is gross or that we wouldn't welcome some quid pro quo, but we understand the general realities of courtship.

Research studies indicate that romantic assertiveness is generally considered an attractive trait in women. Findings from a 2020 study suggest that women who express their needs and desires directly can be perceived as more desirable by potential partners; one study specifically found that men rated women who displayed assertive behavior during interactions as more attractive.

9. Gratitude

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I get that we're in a political climate that has too often involved sentiment to the effect of, "Be quiet and be grateful for what you have." I get that. And it’s not mutually exclusive that the sincere use of the words "thank you" and actions that go along with those words (see the point on thoughtfulness) are incredibly attractive and powerful. Gratitude is black plague-level infectious — i.e., one of those tenfold returns that the con men from the bible keep trying to sell us.

A 2009 study published in the Journal of Personality suggests that a woman's trait of gratitude is attractive to men because it signifies positive qualities like kindness, appreciation, and a solid ability to foster healthy relationships, which are highly valued in potential partners. Studies have shown that expressing gratitude can strengthen bonds, increase relationship satisfaction, and promote prosocial behavior, making a grateful woman appear more desirable to men seeking a committed partnership. 

10. Loyalty

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It's a cliché. It's a no-brainer. And the fear of female perfidy and capriciousness has caused an untold amount of problems between men and women. All that said, eventually we're going to admit or do something humiliating and we want to make sure that you can keep it under your hat. That's it, have high levels of those 10 great human qualities that attract men is your bread bowl of clam chowder.

Research studies consistently indicate that loyalty is considered a highly attractive trait in a woman. It is often categorized as a key factor in seeking a long-term partner, signifying trustworthiness and commitment within the context of mate selection; studies by Buss and Shackelford in their 2008 study published by the Journal of Evolutionary Psychology, classifying loyalty as a "good partner" characteristic valued by both men and women when looking for a committed relationship.

Tom Miller is a writer and performer based in Los Angeles. He's been a mechanical engineer, a banker, and now the general manager and coordinating video producer at YourTango.