I'm a clinical psychologist and in the past, I've discussed empathic ruptures and how marriages can falter if they are not resolved. If you are aware of how common it is for empathic ruptures to occur around certain issues and stages of life, you may be better able to prevent them from happening. Or, if they have already happened, understanding that others struggle with the same issues can be validating and normalizing.

Empathic ruptures occur when you can't forgive your partner for not being there for you. If you know that empathic ruptures often occur around certain issues, you may be better able to prevent them.

Here are the 6 most common life events that cause marriage problems, according to psychology:

1. The birth of a child

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This is a very common time for anger and misunderstandings to occur. A frequent issue is that the wife does not forgive the man for not protecting her and being there for her during the birth of particularly the first child. 

He may not stay in the hospital overnight, not follow through on a promise to help her advocate for her birth plan, not limit inlaws’ presence in the hospital after saying he will, or anything else. The woman feels very vulnerable and is counting on her husband to protect her, so this time is rife for potential empathic ruptures.

Although the transition to parenthood is often a joyous time in the lives of first-time parents, it can also prove to be a tumultuous and challenging adjustment period. In addition to increased depression, anxiety, and stress following the birth of a baby, the average couple experiences a decline in relationship satisfaction and deteriorations in relationship confidence, relationship dedication, observed negative communication, conflict management, and problem intensity, according to a 2014 study.

2. The baby phase in general

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The time when a woman is a young mother is a unique time. She feels a need for biological protection more than at any other time in her life. 

If a man acts thoughtlessly or selfishly during the first months of his baby’s life, his wife will find this difficult to forgive. Examples: never getting up at night with the baby, allowing inlaws to intrude constantly, traveling while she is newly overwhelmed with baby care, etc.

According to research presented at APA's 2011 Annual Convention by John Gottman, PhD, and published in the Journal of Family Psychology. Post-baby discontent is so common, said Gottman, that many people think it's inevitable and acceptable. But they probably don't realize the negative impact squabbling couples can have on their children. Two decades of research show that marital conflict is destructive for babies, increasing their chances of later developing depression, poor social skills, and conduct disorder, he said.

3. A milestone anniversary/birthday

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A husband forgetting a milestone anniversary/birthday or not getting a Mother’s Day present can be very painful for many women. It makes them feel like their husband doesn’t care about them at all, especially if he is generally self-involved and they are waiting for him to make up for it on a special day. A lack of a proposal, which takes a potential milestone away from a woman, is another common source of sadness and rupture.

A 2023 study revealed that forgetting your anniversary is more common than you might think. Survey findings show that 82% of people have forgotten their anniversary at some point in a relationship. Although it might be expected, it's not ok; most respondents mentioned they would break up with their partner for forgetting such a milestone.

4. A major illness

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Many people who have recovered from serious illness cannot forgive a partner for not being there for them when they were sick. Illness is a time to take off from work if possible and do everything to make your partner feel secure and comforted. When a partner doesn’t reprioritize in the event of serious illness, this is tough to move past.

Many spouses talk about how living with a sick partner weighs down on them, causing severe fatigue. Some aspects of the illness can also become traumatic. 

The disease regularly disrupts the daily life of the couple and the family, leading to a reworking of family relations. Each couple has a history of the condition. As it emerges, it can disrupt the bonds of filiation, especially when the illness is hereditary, as found in a 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology. 

5. Death in the family

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I frequently hear about partners who acted selfishly in the wake of a death in the family, e.g. a woman’s mom died and the husband still went on his fishing trip the following week. Being present when your spouse is grieving, at least as much as you can while still going to work and caring for kids, is essential for a healthy and secure partnership. When you feel abandoned in the wake of a loss, this can make you feel like you might as well not be married at all.

6. Job loss

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Losing a job can be a terrible blow to identity and self-esteem. This is compounded for men, whom society teaches to base their self-worth on their career and ability to provide financially. 

When a partner is unempathetic, blames you for a job loss, and/or refuses to change their spending in the wake of a job loss, this can be a cause of an empathic rupture and ongoing bitterness. Relatedly, if a partner is unsupportive about your desire to change careers, this can be similarly upsetting.

Research studies referenced in the Harvard Business Review consistently show that when one spouse experiences a job loss, it significantly increases the risk of marital instability and divorce, mainly when the job loss results in a substantial decrease in household income, considerably if the primary breadwinner is affected; this is often more pronounced when the husband is the one who loses their job, due to societal expectations around male breadwinning.

Discuss how you may have felt about each other during these critical times with your partner. If there are unresolved empathic ruptures, couples counseling can help you address and process these in order to move forward. Resentment can sabotage marriage when it is left to grow!

Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.

This article was originally published at Dr. Psych Mom. Reprinted with permission from the author.