Unhappy husbands tell me their stories and they’re not pretty — the stories, not the husbands. My job is to help him clear the fog in his head and untangle the knot in his gut so he can think clearly and make some tough decisions.
One of the hardest decisions a guy has to make is whether or not to speak his mind. Sounds simple, but it’s not. He is afraid to say the things he has always wanted to say out loud but fears it might cause trouble. Might make her mad. Maybe cause a divorce. But now, he is facing just that.
There is trouble. She’s still mad. There is now talk of divorce. And he is still tongue-tied. Why does he wait until the last possible minute to say what he has been thinking for years? What are the consequences of finally blurting out exactly what he has been wanting all along?
These are the actual words real men use to tell me what they want to tell her. These are their deepest-held secrets about what they really want in their relationship. One study from Texas State University even found that men want more emotional intimacy in their relationships.
Here are 21 things unhappy husbands won't tell their wives — until it's too late:
1. I want to feel welcome and appreciated in our home
2. I want to feel like we can trust each other and have each other’s back
3. I want to be able to tell her something without it always turning into something I’ve done wrong
4. I want to feel her delight in waking up next to me. At least a smile would be nice
5. I want to feel listened to
6. I want to feel understood
7. I want to feel valued for what I provide
8. I want to feel desired
9. I want physical intimacy
10. I want variety and spontaneity
11. I want to feel at ease around my wife
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12. I want her to tell me what she needs
13. I want her to allow me to fulfill her needs
14. I want to feel safe when we talk about our needs
15. I want to feel like a team
16. I want her to trust my intentions toward her are good
17. I want her to believe me and believe in me
18. I want her to acknowledge and appreciate my role as a father
19. I want to have deeper conversations and be vulnerable without fear of judgment
20. I want her to honor my need for personal growth and personal time for me
21. I want to love her and feel loved in return
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When a man tells me that he feels afraid to say those things out loud he is really telling me he is ashamed to say them out loud. He is ashamed to open up about his deepest desires with the only woman on the planet currently in a position to meet those desires. And he’s scared.
Crazy, right? I get it. I was in the same place once. Inside my head, I could make grand statements about what I wanted and what I deserved. I privately declared to the stars that I would someday have what my soul craved before I died.
“Yes, it might mean divorce. I don’t care. It’s a human right. I’m not wrong to want what I want!” I thought to myself. In reality, many men are ashamed to declare what they want. It’s not nice. It’s mean. Real men don’t talk like that. They keep it inside. Women will feel threatened if men talk about their deepest desires.
Better to keep walking on eggshells and not rock the boat. Maybe things will get better. Maybe in another year. But what if you do speak your truth? I get to see what happens in some of the most difficult relationships when a man decides to let it fly. I encourage him to go big or go home. No apologies and no regrets. Let it rip. Lay it out there for her and the world to deal with.
The outcomes vary greatly. I’ve seen it save a relationship. And I’ve seen it accelerate the divorce (my personal case). One of the biggest reasons for divorce, according to research from 2013, is a lack of communication.
But you shouldn’t open your soul to her or the world expecting any outcome. The only guarantee in boldly speaking your truth is that you will create a change in the status quo.
You don’t speak your truth in an attempt to rig the game. You don’t declare your non-negotiable desire to live the life you want to live and expect someone to congratulate you. You do it because you’ve decided you will never create what you want if you can’t say it out loud without fear.
You can’t care about what anybody thinks or says about it. Whatever happens afterward is exactly what is supposed to happen. And you will be just fine.
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching. He has appeared on local television, blog radio, telesummits, and podcasts all related to maintaining healthy relationships.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.
