You meet, you date, you accept the proposal, and you are ready to walk down the aisle and achieve happily ever after until you notice a big problem. It could be a seemingly small gesture that carries a significant impact, like ignoring a respectful request, or it could be a behavior that sets off the alarms. Either way, you are going to need to pay careful attention to your next steps.

Here are 6 subtle signs a husband is not a good person from the start, according to experts:

1. He smashes the cake in your face at your wedding

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A clear sign a man may not be a good husband is if he disrespects his wife’s boundaries from the start, like smashing cake in her face at their wedding after she explicitly asked him not to. It shows he values his joke over her feelings and the effort she put into planning their special day.

This disregard for her wishes and her hard work is a red flag he might prioritize his own amusement or preferences over mutual respect, which is crucial for a lasting marriage, as supported in the research of Gracynn Young and Virgil Zeigler-Hill.

— Erika Jordan, Dating Coach / NLP Practitioner

2. He constantly keeps you on defense

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If you are afraid you've married a man who is not a "good person," there are some key signs to look out for. But first, we need to acknowledge no one human being is all good or all bad. If he were "all bad," then you would not have married him.

A 2017 study suggests you will find it very difficult to build a "good marriage" with someone who lacks empathy (e.g., doesn't care if he makes you sad), who is controlling (e.g., controlling what you wear and who you spend time with), who doesn't know how to communicate constructively (e.g., resorts to name calling), and who always needs to be right.

Pay attention to how your husband makes you feel — if you find yourself feeling defensive, emotionally imbalanced, and can't trust your perception of events, these are all signs you may have partnered with someone who is going to be difficult, if not impossible, to build a trusting, secure marriage.

— Jennifer Hargrave, Owner & Managing Attorney, Hargrave Family Law

3. He dismisses your emotions with no consideration

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A husband who consistently dismisses or belittles his wife's emotional needs and feelings without trying to understand or support her could be a sign that he's not invested in her well-being, as explored by a longitudinal study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

— Richard Drobnick, Mars & Venus Counseling Center

4. He refuses to communicate

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Men often need time to process their feelings and be left alone for a while. A 2019 study shows if a husband refuses to communicate at all or shows hostility when the wife tries to engage, this could signal a deeper lack of respect and consideration for their relationship.

— Richard Drobnick, LCSW, Mars & Venus Counseling Center

5. His world revolves around him and him only

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A husband who consistently refuses to compromise or make efforts to understand his wife’s perspective may lack the maturity and emotional generosity to be a good partner, as shown by a study in the Self and Identity Journal.

— Richard Drobnick, LSCW, Mars & Venus Counseling Center

6. He emotionally manipulates or controls you

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A husband who manipulates his wife’s emotions or attempts to control her actions may not be a good person at his core, Personality and Individual Differences Journal published a study exploring how this behavior is a factor that undermines the partnership dynamic.

A husband who doesn't show empathy, respect, or a willingness to communicate could be demonstrating early signs of not being a good partner.

— Richard Drobnick, LCSW, Mars & Venus Counseling Center

Whether you are thinking about marrying him or already married to him, being able to identify the signs of a bad marriage partner will help you decide what your next steps will be in the relationship.

Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.