Are women more romantic than men? Being a guy, the last things I’d want on a romantic holiday are flowers, chocolate, or even jewelry. But I do like romance. So what is romantic to a man? Despite being a psychotherapist, I wasn't sure if there was an answer. I decided to find out.
So when I played cards with seven male friends a few nights ago, I asked them this question: What do men find romantic? Only one even tried to answer.
Given that I wasn’t comfortable settling on the stereotype that men are not romantically inclined, I began to reflect on what I’ve learned about men and romance as a psychotherapist. It is, after all, an occupation that often allows me to talk about romance and relationships with men. Here are eleven of the most important answers.
12 everyday things men find romantic and wish women did more
1. When their partner is open and vulnerable
For example, a male client, George, in his early 40s, was telling me about how he felt when his wife made specific requests, like what he could do to help her out: "All I want is to just make a difference. And when she tells me what I can do, she softens up and becomes more accessible to me, which makes me like her more.”
I validated his experience by saying that what matters most is when she’s present, vulnerable, and accessible.
2. Being seen as special to their partner
George reminded me of a deeper truth that was also consistent with my experience in relationships: what men consider romantic and what they want more than anything else is to be seen, treated, and responded to in a “special” way all of the time.
For someone who wants to be romantic with a guy, you need to go deep. You need to know how to show a man that you love him.
Romance is not so much about a one-time show of appreciation, acknowledgment, or affection, it’s about small, everyday displays of love.
3. Loving, sweet physical touch
Back to the friends I asked at cards night, the one who mulled it over finally said, “Some kind of physical touch would be nice. A hug. Putting her arm around me. Just touching my shoulder.”
That's definitely a theme. We want to be touched, even if it's a little hug or resting your head on his shoulder. It's the little things that count.
JLco Julia Amaral via Shutterstock
4. Being asked what he's thinking or feeling
Asking self-reflective questions, allowing the time and space for him to answer, then talking so that he can elaborate will likely make him feel valued and that you especially care about him.
Ideally, he may discover things or become aware of things about himself he rarely thinks about.
5. Your undivided attention
Generally, women talk more than they listen. Giving your undivided attention conveys that whatever they have to say is important to you.
Research on effective eye contact published in Frontiers in Psychology supports how maintaining eye contact gently is a show of genuine interest, that you are comfortable being with him, and that what he says truly matters to you. Put away your phone, turn the TV off, and try to show him that you're present and paying attention.
6. Saying what you’d really like — and being specific
George had felt disconnected from his wife for a while. He felt that she was constantly consumed, anxious, and worried and that he was rarely on her radar. No matter what he did, it went unnoticed, so after a while, he stopped trying to read her mind.
Making specific requests made him feel they were connected partners working together who could count on each other for support, as suggested by research in the Handbook of Communication and Social Interaction Skills. I believe he was speaking for the majority of men. Frame these statements by saying, "I'd appreciate it if you..."
7. Expressing appreciation for something he said or did
Here, again, is the theme of outwardly and explicitly expressing acknowledgment, appreciation, or affection.
Feeling noticed and seen is validating and, therefore, inherently romantic. Whether it’s sensitivity, generosity, wit, or intelligence, whatever it was he said or did, let him know it warmed your heart.
8. Saying what you’d like to do together
Initiating a conversation about planning some kind of getaway together sends the message that it’s not always or entirely up to him to make something happen.
You’re also telling him that you want some special quality time together, which will also give you both something to look forward to.
9. Being a safe place for him to open up
Asking questions that require some thought, perhaps self-examination, can create a rare opportunity for him to open up in a way that he’s not used to and shed light on some special quality or ability he’s taken for granted or could never take credit for.
You’re also sending a message you want to get to know him more deeply and that the coast is clear for him to open up more, and he is safe being vulnerable around you.
10. Showing that you understand him through empathy
Understanding is a basic human need. In a simple, basic way, understanding can serve as a definition of love. It’s what intimacy is. Start by using statements that begin with "I get that what's most important to you is..."
A study in the Applied Psychophysiology and Biofeedback Journal supports taking the time to understand his experience so he feels understood. That’s always a turn-on. Understanding is a bridge that connects the two of you more deeply, and it helps make a man feel loved.
11. Surprising him by being free and spontaneous
A prevailing stereotype is that men are always busy “doing,” being distracted, feeling pressured, looking at the time, and being locked into a routine that they will rarely deviate from.
While this may be true, it doesn’t mean that’s how they want to be. Surprising them is reminding them that it’s possible and OK to be spontaneous.
Take a day trip over the weekend away from daily pressures. Make him an amazing dinner when he's least expecting it.
Try to have fun with what might normally be rote and monotonous by making even a trip to the grocery store feel more like an adventure together, or at least like an enjoyable team effort where he can get his mind off things like work problems or something else that happened earlier that day.
Antonio Diaz via Shutterstock
12. Celebrating what connects you
Toast him! “Here’s to you.”
Toast your relationship! "Here’s to us."
What's special about him? About the two of you together? What works best in your relationship?
Consider these things and the role he plays in them, and show him that you cherish the work he puts into that role. Appreciate your shared victories, however little they may seem, as shown by a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. After all, life truly is about the little things.
He’s worth it. You’re worth it. Your relationship is a joint effort that is greater when together than when you are apart.
This conversation can bring attention to your respective roles, differences, strengths, and weaknesses. It’s not just that you’re special to each other or that your relationship is special, but specifically that which makes it special.
Romance to a guy is about reaffirming a deep connection by being and relating in a personal way, as you would relate to a best friend, someone you consider to be your soulmate, that is not romantic per se as much as it is a state of existence.
Daniel Linder is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Relationship Trainer, and an addiction, recovery, and intervention specialist. He's the author of numerous books and articles on addiction and relationships.
