Yes, step right up folks, the show is beginning. Magically, I will reveal to you what women are thinking, wanting, and wishing for, all without leaving this desk chair. This comes from years of probing at the innermost workings of the female mind in therapy sessions. Also, I happen to be a woman.
Now, not every woman thinks all of these things. But, if your wife or girlfriend seems generally dissatisfied and sad with your relationship, either chronically or every so often, but doesn’t know how to tell you what’s wrong (or she tells you but you think it’s absurd and dismisses her concerns) it might be helpful to read this and think deeply about whether any of these issues may be at play.
Here are 12 things women want most from their husbands, according to psychology:
1. Women want to be desired
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“What?!” you ask. “I’m always initiating closeness, and she’s always like, get off me, you animal.” Here’s the thing. Sadly enough, your wife may think that you just want to have closed-door intimacy with her because she’s there and she’s your only option.
She thinks of desire as something way different, where you put in a lot of effort to woo her and seduce her because you want her, and only her, so badly. Like your early dating relationship or one of those movies, she wants to watch that you hate.
Side note: this article would not be complete without stating that some women secretly want their partners to be a lot more take-charge and assertive than usual. As life is ironic and cruel, the very women who really would want this behavior are often too shy to say it.
So, if you try acting more assertive/dominant in bed, and your wife is like, “You are being ridiculous,” then just say “Oh well, I was trying something new.” Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But like 30% of you male readers will get a surprisingly good response.
Research published in 2023 reveals that women often desire to be desired due to a complex interplay of factors, including the need for emotional intimacy, feeling valued in a relationship, a sense of security, and a positive self-image, often placing more emphasis on the relational aspect of desire compared to men, where feeling desired can contribute to their overall sense of attractiveness and connection within a partnership. Studies also highlight that societal expectations and gender norms can influence how women perceive and express their desire to be desired.
2. Women want you to want to spend time with them
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Nothing big, just hanging out and talking. But the key is the desire to spend time with them; just spending time with them is not enough, and spending time with them grudgingly is worse than nothing.
The best-case scenario is where you say things like, “There was this work happy hour, but I came home because I’d rather hang out with you.” And don’t add “Because my awful boss was going so I didn’t want to be there.”
So the point is that you prioritize time with her over other fun activities, at least sometimes. Like monthly. Oh, before I forget, there is a key point to hanging out together: the hanging out must be without your smartphone.
Research published by the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology suggests that women desire their partners to want to spend time with them because it signifies a solid emotional connection, validation of their worth, and a sense of security within the relationship, often tied to feelings of being valued, cared for, and prioritized. This is especially important for women as it can indicate commitment and investment in the partnership.
3. Women want you to be present
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They hate it when you’re not paying attention. Picture a 45-degree angle in your mind, and that is the linear graph of the correspondence between a woman’s happiness and her perception that you’re paying attention to her.
Now, cross off happiness and write “intimacy.” Still valid. Smartphone = brick wall.
4. Women want for you to admit imperfections
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They hate when you say things like, “Hmm, nothing stresses me out that much” and “I’m fine!” I mean, sometimes, even most of the time, you can feel fine. But if you never struggle with any negative emotion, any insecurity, or any weakness in any regard, you are going to be pretty off-putting to interact with. Also, if your wife shares anything negative about herself, she will feel ashamed and crappy because you don’t empathize, but just kind of pity her or problem-solve.
If you never say you also feel negative vulnerable emotions (e.g., sadness, embarrassment, anxiety), your wife will find herself being attracted to that guy at work who talks about how nervous he also gets before big presentations. Also, you’re cutting your wife’s natural nurturing impulses off at the knees.
Women want to help you and take care of you, not to excess, but enough to feel that they have a positive impact on you (see #11). So if you never need them, they never feel needed, and they can never reassure or nurture you, and then they will either have to buy a puppy, have another baby, or cheat on you with a guy who needs their love.
Research published in 2020 by the Brookings Institution suggests that a man presenting an overly flawless image can be perceived as inauthentic, unrelatable, and potentially lacking in emotional depth, which can be a turnoff for many women in romantic relationships. This is often linked to concepts like vulnerability, self-awareness, and the ability to admit flaws, which are crucial for healthy partnerships.
5. Women want you to pick them over everyone
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They want to think that if push came to shove, you would take their side over anyone else’s side, even their parents or friends, or the kids. The more firmly they believe that you would be on their side for something important, the less likely this issue will ever come up. Example: your wife is confident that you’ll take her side in a squabble with her mom.
Thus, she is calm and handles the squabble herself, even compromising or giving in. However, if your wife is not sure that you’d take her side, she will come to you with every squabble and ask who you think is right, and try to convince you to take her side, and therefore she will be more invested in the squabble and will not compromise or give in. When people feel supported and loved, they feel confident and calm and can be their best selves.
Research published in 2015 by SAGE Open suggests that women desire their partners to choose them above others due to an evolutionary need for security and commitment, often valuing traits like loyalty, trustworthiness, and a clear demonstration of dedication, which translates to feeling valued and prioritized in a relationship. This is frequently linked to the perception of a partner's high quality as a mate.
6. Women want you to keep it together
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Get a haircut. Get a new shirt every few years. Take the stairs at work. As much as women prioritize emotional closeness, they prefer you not to look like a Norfin.
Research generally does not support the idea that women "need" men to maintain emotional stability. Instead, it highlights the benefits of strong social support networks, including partners of any gender, for overall well-being, a 2022 study found. Studies often show that women tend to prioritize emotional intimacy and may benefit particularly from close relationships with others, including male partners when seeking support and feeling connected.
7. Women want you to be romantic
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Women like for there to be a special time or place almost every day where you can come together and be close and intimate. This is great because, guess what, I have also just described what you want. But here’s the thing: women need to be on this magical romantic virtual island before they want to be intimate with you.
So how are you going to create this special bubble of love (that will likely, many times, lead to physical intimacy)? Here are some hints: use endearments, have special jokes together, reminisce about special memories in the relationship, talk about what you thought about her when you first met, or when you first got married, or last week when she looked hot, talk about plans together (both the immediate future and decades from now), talk about how she makes you feel, what you appreciate that she did that day, etc.
A 2023 study focused on young adults in relationships and found that women place a high value on interpersonal closeness, especially when cohabiting with their partner. In a 2018 study published by Frontiers in Psychology, researchers found that women desire long-term commitment from their partners, and emotional accessibility is more important than physical accessibility for achieving reconciliation after conflict.
8. Women want you to be sensitive to non-verbal communication
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Don’t just use words, but also use actions and body language to show that you’re interested in her in a way that is obvious and meaningful. If someone watched a video of you talking to your wife or girlfriend, you want them to be able to tell you that you’re in love. So, look into her eyes, sit forward, put down your phone, and use an interested and engaged tone of voice (not that monotone that you use when you’re half paying attention and half playing fantasy football).
And physically approach her and be on her level. If she is standing folding laundry, come over and stand next to her and help fold. If she is sitting at the kitchen table, come in and sit down too; don’t keep lying on the couch and yelling over to her.
That’s not going to make her feel close. Try to emphasize non-verbally that you are fully present in the moment with her. Like how when you’re having intimate time with her, you want her to be present and not phone it in. Laying down and yelling over to her while she’s doing stuff in the other room = phoning it in.
Research published in 2018 indicates that women generally exhibit greater sensitivity to nonverbal communication compared to men, often attributed to factors like social roles, brain function differences, and a heightened focus on interpersonal relationships, with studies like the "Profile of Nonverbal Sensitivity (PONS) test" highlighting this disparity. Women tend to be better at decoding emotions expressed through facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.
9. Women want you to be honest
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They do not just want a yes-man. If they ask you a question about what they should do, really answer it, but of course, be kind. Of course, if they do not ask you what they should do, don’t tell them. You’re not their boss or their father. Nothing turns a woman off faster than some arrogant guy who acts like he knows everything.
10. Women want you to show public displays of affection
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For some women, this will be something major, like a romantic proposal or a toast at your wedding. For some women, this will be something small, like overhearing you tell the kids, “I’m so glad I married Mommy,” when they ask about your wedding picture.
For some women, it’s something medium, like sending them flowers to their work on their birthday. Either way, start small, and if that works, go bigger.
No money has to be involved, just a willingness to make yourself look like a fool for love because women grow up watching romantic movies, and as much as you want commercial unrealistic-style physical intimacy sometimes, they want movie-style romance.
Research published in 2015 by Frontiers in Psychology suggests that women often appreciate public declarations of love because they can be interpreted as a strong signal of commitment, providing a sense of security and validation within a relationship, potentially stemming from evolutionary factors where choosing a committed partner was crucial for reproductive success. Studies also show that women may place more value on emotional intimacy, making public expressions of affection particularly meaningful to them.
11. Women want to know you are a better person because you’re with them
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Did you ever hear a guy at work bragging that he got his wife to eat granola for breakfast instead of a Pop-Tart? No, because guys don’t seem to care about having a positive impact on changing women’s behavior.
Yet, I hear a lot of stuff like this from female friends and clients. I am really happy when my husband gets a flu shot because I remind him to do it five times.
I think, “See! If not for me, he would have the flu.” There's a saying: “A woman marries a man hoping to change him, and a man marries a woman hoping she doesn’t change.” True! So, tell the woman you’re with all about how she has impacted you for the better.
Are you healthier, kinder, more easygoing, more ambitious, less ambitious, happier, or anything positive because of her? She wants to know, and if you tell her, she will feel awesome about herself, you, and the relationship.
In 2023, The Survey Center on American Life reported that women often desire to see their husbands as "better people" because of their relationship due to a combination of factors, including the need for personal growth, validation of their own choices, a sense of security, and the belief that a supportive partner can help them become the best version of themselves. Studies also highlight the importance of positive reinforcement and the desire to see their partner contribute positively to society when they are together.
12. Women want to know that you think about them and love them
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All of this is about feeling loved. Tell your wife or girlfriend that you love specific things about her. Don’t just throw an “I love you” at the end of your conversations.
Show her that you think about her during the day by actually telling her this. So many men that I see in counseling tell me that they think about their wives during the day (some sensual thoughts, some warm thoughts) but never think to tell this to their wives. They assume it is obvious. It’s not obvious!
If you even had one nice thought about your wife today and didn’t tell it to her via text, email, phone call, or when you got home, it’s a squandered opportunity for a loving and warm interaction. If you went to the corner store or drug store and didn’t pick up a little something for her, even her favorite gum, that’s another squandered opportunity for closeness.
Women who feel happy in their relationships think that their partner wants to show them they are loved and cherished. If a woman doesn’t feel this way, she will let you know she isn’t happy, and we all know how that goes for you.
Research by the Gottman Institute indicates that women desire to know what their husbands think about them because it signifies a deep emotional connection, provides a sense of security and validation within the relationship, and is crucial for feeling valued and cherished, often linking this need to a strong desire for emotional intimacy and understanding from their partners.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.
This article was originally published at Dr. Psych Mom. Reprinted with permission from the author.
