Looking for that special someone has become a priority for many. There are more than 40 million American singles heading online to find love, with Google showing over 300 million results for the search "online dating sites."
It may not be easy, but most people are now able to find love. However, not everyone knows the ways to keep love alive and growing through the years. So, if you don't have these in your relationship, you aren't in love and likely don't have a future together.
If you're not feeling these 12 things in your relationship, it isn't true love
1. Romantic love
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We all know the feeling. We meet, we connect, and we fall in love. When we're in it, our world is turned upside down. We'd rather be with our beloved than eat, sleep, or work.
We feel on top of the world when our love is returned, and crash to the depths if it looks like our love is threatened. Unfortunately, couples who don't have romantic love that makes them feel like this probably won't stay together long.
2. The desire to merge
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When we are in love, we want to merge our bodies, minds, and spirits. But intensity isn't just about pleasure; it's about wanting to share our hearts, souls, atoms, and electrons.
If you find that you don't want to find that deep connection with your partner, it's not a good sign.
3. Having an 'us against the world' mentality
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Love is wanting to no longer feel alone. When we are part of a pair, we feel the power of two and the joy of being us.
We're still in the world, but the world seems like the background. We two are the center, and the world is there to support and embrace us.
When you don't have this mindset, it may indicate that you aren't actually in real, true love.
4. Longing to create
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The primal creation, the reason we are each here, is that two people came together and were launched into life. But in a world with too many people, we also create art, music, home, healing, and other gifts for humankind.
The desire to create and unleash your inner inventor may be quelled if you aren't with the right person. That's because your inspiration is lacking.
5. Disillusionment
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The honeymoon phase eventually comes to an end, and disillusionment sets in. Our partner seems to change. They are not who we thought they were, and they aren't giving us what we longed to have.
We wonder if we've made a mistake and begin turning away and looking for what is missing. However, feeling disillusioned isn't necessarily a bad sign, as long as it's momentary.
6. Incompatibility
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Incompatibility is grounds for true love, believe it or not.
When we become disillusioned with our partner, we often feel we've become incompatible. But when we recognize that disillusionment can mean letting go of illusions, we can also let go of believing that incompatibility is a bad thing.
It actually allows us to learn where our wounds have been hiding. And this is something you will experience if you're with your true love.
7. Discovering our wounded selves
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In looking away from our partner, we are forced to look within. We feel the pain of the trauma we all experience growing up in families that didn't adequately meet our needs, for example.
We recognize that we were hoping our partner would make us whole. We were looking for love in all the wrong places. But understanding that a relationship isn't going to heal you, and that it's a good thing to uncover wounds of the past, are signs you're truly in love.
8. Embracing illness
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Everyone gets sick, but that's not a bad thing. In fact, sickness can be our greatest teacher, our greatest guide.
Maybe you become depressed while your partner suffers from a physical ailment. Through those struggles, we learn the lessons of illness and healing. But if you can't handle your partner in sickness, it's one of the signs you aren't in love.
9. Learning the mathematics of true love and addictive love
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When we look for a partner to make us whole, we experience addictive love. For example, we may think or say, "I've got to have him/her or I'll die." The math is ½ x ½ = ¼. The longer we're together, the smaller we become.
When we look to our partner to help us heal and grow, we are on the path to true love. The math is 1 + 1 = Infinity. Think about whether or not your individual sums add up to a positive whole.
10. Turning back towards our partner and committing to being real
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Being real is not sweetness and light. It's passionate, painful, and creative — much having a baby.
Being real requires being part of a pair. Self-actualization is not something we do by ourselves. If you find that there isn't room to grow and become your true self, you aren't in love like you thought you were.
11. Letting go of fear
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All our unhappiness and illnesses are fear-based. We're afraid of losing what we have or not getting what we need.
But we always have two choices: Do we feed the fear, or do we feed the love? Whichever one we feed gets stronger. And if you choose the former, it's a good indicator that you aren't in true love.
12. Accepting that real, lasting love is a journey, not a destination
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Real, lasting love is something we create every minute of every day. It's the most difficult thing we do in our lives. It's also the simplest.
But simple isn't always easy. Learning to love is the graduate school of life. Admission is free but will cost you everything you have. Are you ready for the journey?
Jed Diamond is a licensed psychotherapist with a Ph.D. in International Health, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. He's the author of 17 books, and has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, the New York Times, Huffington Post, and many others.
This article was originally published at MenAlive. Reprinted with permission from the author.
