Baggage. We all have it. But at what point does it become a relationship deal breaker? My clients often tell me they seek someone with little or no emotional baggage. Yes, it can make for a simpler life if there are no ex-wives to negotiate with, no child support to pay, and no illnesses or emotional issues to deal with. But if you are a certain age, hopefully, you have lived and experienced as much as possible.
However, handling emotional baggage well can strengthen a relationship rather than become a deal breaker. So don't be so quick to write someone off because of a bit of extra luggage. On the other hand, you might encounter a few relationship deal-breakers that you can't overcome or accept. That's why it's essential to understand what works for you in a relationship — and what won't.
If you keep ignoring these nine signs, you're never going to find the one:
1. Dating someone who 'jumps the gun' on a relationship
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If your boyfriend or girlfriend proclaims his/her undying love for you on the first date, chances are he/she isn't right for you. It's not flattering — it's creepy. If this person thinks he "knows" you after just a few hours or even just a few dates, then he's not interested in the real you. He's just interested in having somebody.
According to research by the University of Denver, moving too fast without allowing sufficient time to develop a strong foundation in your relationship is associated with a higher potential for breakups. Multiple studies emphasize the importance of taking time to build trust and compatibility before making significant decisions.
This person might turn out to be a stalker or worse. You're better off alone than with someone who wants to be intimate too soon.
2. Being overly specific about your 'dream' person
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We all have our "dream man" or "perfect woman". "He must be more than six-foot-five and have a full head of hair." "She must weigh 110 pounds and have a 36D chest." But if this is your criteria for a "soulmate," I have news for you: You're not likely to find the love of your life!
Conversely, do you want to be with someone who finds you attractive but could care less about the person inside? Looks are fleeting. Seek a soulmate who is beautiful under the skin. You never know what package your soulmate is going to arrive in. Be flexible, and you might just be pleasantly surprised.
3. Dating people you know won't fit in with your family
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If someone is truly your soulmate, he or she will be around for a long time. Presumably, you want to be with someone who would fit in nicely with your family and friends... someone you'd be proud to take home to Mom and Dad.
Don't date a man who wants you to dress like a porn star. He's not seeing you as "wife material" or the mother of his future children. And guys, if you're genuinely looking for your soulmate, don't date someone you'd be ashamed to bring home to your parents.
4. Being with someone inconsiderate of others
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A person who treats others poorly, such as waiters and service people, has a poor character. Chances are, he or she will treat you just as severely down the road.
According to research by UC Berkeley experts, disagreeable people—those with selfish, combative, manipulative personalities—don't end up ahead or more successful than anyone else down the line. So don't fool yourself by thinking your partner is just ambitious—instead, judge them by how they treat others personally and professionally. Never settle for someone rude or inconsiderate of others' feelings.
5. A partner who sees you primarily as a future parent
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If you are desperate to have a baby — and, yes, this applies to some men, too — you can't let this affect your search for a partner. Don't settle for someone less than a soulmate because your biological clock is ticking. And if your potential mate brings up the subject of having children with you before you've even had your second date, be wary of being used as a sperm bank.
6. Putting up with bad manners or hygiene
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A true soulmate will have your feelings in mind. He or she won't offend you with bad manners or poor hygiene. If he spends every meal on his cell phone, avoiding conversation with you, get rid of him. (If he's a doctor or single parent and receives an emergency call, give him some slack!)
Bad hygiene can be a major dealbreaker for potential partners. Research indicates that poor personal care can significantly negatively impact relationships —often leading to decreased attraction, less intimacy, and even breakups.
If your potential soulmate always meets you in a t-shirt and flip-flops and doesn't bother to brush her teeth, then she doesn't care about your feelings. If he burps and farts at the dinner table and picks his teeth with a matchbook, he's not for you. Your soulmate will want to show you his or her "best side" even beyond the first few dates.
7. A partner who's full of him/herself.
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Self-confidence is attractive — boastfulness is not. Confidence can even be a strong predictor of overall romantic attractiveness, according to Sean Murphey, a Ph.D. student in Psychological Science at the University of Queensland School of Psychology, who conducted four research studies that tested how people react to confidence in the dating world.
Men who brag about how much money they make, their six-pack abs or their brand-new Ferrari aren't soul-mate material. This "macho talk" means he's more interested in yourself than you. And it works both ways.
Men are turned off by women who always talk about their looks and have a taste for expensive jewelry or manicures. Look for a partner who is modest about appearance and accomplishments.
8. A partner who's high-maintenance or needy
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Never settle for a partner who relies solely on you for entertainment. An attractive soulmate is independent, not joined to you at the hip. He or she should have your interests at heart. When I ask my male clients if they care what kind of job a woman has, 95 percent of the time, they will answer, "I don't care what she does as long as she has a job and it is something that she enjoys or is passionate about."
He doesn't want the pressure of knowing she is just waiting for him to finish work or whatever he is doing so he can get home to entertain her. A certain degree of independence makes for a balanced and healthy relationship.
9. A partner who always talks about his/her ex
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Recent studies found that while break-ups take a more immediate emotional toll on women, men often "never fully recover — they simply move on — but knowing your guy is still hung up on his ex can be a real turn-off. No one wants to hear stories or complaints about the ex. You want to become involved with someone over the past and ready for a new relationship.
I often get feedback from both men and women about their dates going on and on about their exes. And usually, it is incredibly damaging. Put the past in the past and focus on the person before you. Baggage or not, character quality will carry you through a long and happy journey with your soulmate.
Marla Materson is an award-winning author, spiritual life coach, matchmaker, energy healer, and intuitive reader.
