When you first place that ring on your spouse's finger, your marriage seems similar to the hundreds of Rom-Coms you watch on your weekly Netflix binge. It's fun, and the love is deep. There are no bad feelings, and you think life will only be filled with good times.
But then reality sets in, and marriage becomes a challenge. Your life together relaxes in every way, but the potential for conflict lies just under the surface of every interaction. The whirlwind of the honeymoon phase is over, and married life starts to feel different.
What's the solution? Many couples end up choosing divorce because the marriage is not working out the way they hoped it would. Yet, facing challenges together and solving your interpersonal issues is part of married life.
Often, instead of divorce, you only need to consider your marriage a work in progress. Host, author and speaker Dr. Tammy Nelson, couples therapist Tony Victor, co-creators of Imago Relationship Therapy Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, clinical director of Action Relational Therapy of FL, Inc. Sue Butler along with Kimberly Anderson aptly suggest to make divorce your LAST resort. Divorce isn't the answer for everyone.
Wives who master these two skills have the most fulfilling marriages:
1. They put their marriage first daily
"The good times will settle down, that dopamine will stop washing over you, and then, real life sets in," explains certified therapist Kimberly Anderson.
A lot of people don't realize this before they walk down the aisle. They think the commitment only exists when things are going smoothly. And so, when obstacles arise, their bond weakens, tensions flare, and arguments ensue.
Show your spouse that your relationship with them is the most important by working diligently every day to keep the spark alive, as demonstrated by a study on marital centrality in the Journal of Psychology. Life's obstacles and other relationships might get in the way, but your marriage still comes first, no matter what.
Helen Hunt LaKelly keenly urges, "Create a structure by which you commit to keep the relationship nourished and thriving. Because without a commitment — a daily commitment to practice healthy relationship here while you're dealing with all of these other relationships in the world — you have to practice [daily] on taking care of your relationship." She continues to explain that if you divorce and start another marriage to avoid the previous problems, "the same problems will surface with [marriage] number two."
2. They genuinely listen to what their partner is saying
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Without judgment (and only with the intent to understand your partner), silently listen to what they are saying or feeling. Don't interrupt! Research published in the Journal of Nonverbal Behavior shows how this lets your spouse know they are important and you care about what they think and feel, no matter how many times you've had a certain conversation before.
Tony Victor explains that listening (well!) should be your goal in any conversation — easy or difficult —with your spouse. "At first, it's just something people just don't think of, but it becomes just a natural habit," he explains. Listening generates a positive response and allows you to work together towards resolving issues between the two of you, as shown by a study in the Journal of Family Psychology.
The YourTango Experts team includes licensed therapists, dating and life coaches, matchmakers, and more professionals committed to offering you the tools and guidance for a happier and more rewarding life.
