My client Sarah thought it was cute that her boyfriend, Mark, was into Harley Davidson. He had a custom bike, attended rallies with his friends, and had a beautiful leather Harley Davidson jacket. They went on long rides together. She loved his boyish spirit of adventure.
Then, they got married, and suddenly, his boyish spirit of adventure seemed immature to her. Sarah was experiencing what Penn State Sociology professor Diane Felmlee calls "fatal attraction." That's when a trait you admire in someone you fall in love with suddenly irritates the crap out of you. The good news is, it doesn't actually have to signal the end of your relationship
Six signs a man's bad habits may damage your relationship
1. His bad habits irritate you even when you're feeling good
When we are stressed or sleep-deprived, it's easier for small irritations to seem larger. External factors can include worrying about an aging parent, challenges at work, or slacking on self-care, like exercise and adequate sleep.
Acknowledging (and addressing) these worries can help you move past them — or illuminate the fact his bad habits are going to be too big to overcome.
2. His admirable qualities now appear to have a negative side
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At the beginning of a relationship, both partners are on their best behavior. However, no one can keep up a façade forever, so it's possible you didn't see the "dark" side of the admirable quality.
3. His habits could put you or your family at risk
A minor irritation may get under your skin a little, especially when you're tired or stressed. But a major issue can be something like one spouse being financially irresponsible and putting the couple in debt.
4. He's not being authentic
Sometimes, we turn an admired trait into a liability by trying too hard to please our spouse, which Amy B. Brunell, Ph.D. et. al. note as potentially harming dispositional authenticity in the relationship. Sarah often told Mark how much she liked his sense of spontaneity, so he tried to think of ways to be spontaneous. His desire to make her happy began to irritate her.
5. You're avoiding your truth
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In other words, are you only looking to blame your partner for conflict (it's all his fault if he would only....)? The only person you can change is YOU, so begin with yourself.
6. One or both of you complains way more than you appreciate
Complaining focuses on an issue, sometimes blowing it out of proportion. I like the 90/10 rule for couples. Express 90% compliments and only 10% complaints, which is a bit more ambitious that the Gottman Institute's 5:1 ratio.
How to know if you can make your relationship work
When a couple gets clear about what they desire and how they define a supportive relationship, it allows each partner to be more supportive.
Make a pro and con list
What do you love about your partner? What irritates you about your partner? Weigh each item on the con list and decide if it's worth giving up all those items on your pro list.
In what ways do you balance each other?
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I'd never say another person "completes you," but opposites attract for a reason. Often, a partner's lovable (and annoying) traits help you be more balanced and enhance who you naturally are.
Are you committed to making your relationship work?
When we fall in love, it all seems so easy at first. Relationships take work. If you're ready to throw in the towel at the first irritation, ask yourself if you want to be married or if you want things to just be easy. A study in the Personal Relationships Journal shows there is extreme power in deciding to "stay in the canoe and paddle."
Mark and Sarah worked things out and, five years later, are planning a second honeymoon. They created a vision about how they wanted their life to look and got better at communicating their needs. Fatal attraction doesn't have to be deadly to your relationship. It can be the jumping-off point to choosing a deeper commitment to each other — and yourself.
Debra Smouse is a life coach and author.
