If you’re on pins and needles waiting for a man to make up his mind about you, then it’s time to learn how to make him see you as the one woman he can’t be without. I should know. Here’s what I did to get my husband from "not ready" to "Will you marry me?"

I’ve been married for over twenty years, and since most of my coaching focuses on inspiring a man to commit, my clients always want to know how my husband proposed to me. I did something completely counterintuitive that changed the situation around completely. In doing so, I showed him my worth and was able to change his behavior very quickly. 

If you can master these three skills, your boyfriend will propose:

1. Don't move in with him, no matter how close the engagement seems

My husband wooed me. He courted me and won me over. I was so confident that our relationship would lead to marriage, that I agreed to move in with him. I thought we were on track to a proposal, and I figured it was imminent.  (How long does it take a typical couple to move in together? One Stanford University study found that 50% of couples move in together after a year.)

After all, my husband had been chasing me since the moment we met! He was the one talking about forever. He was the one who kept saying I was "The One."

And so, on New Year’s Eve, when he sat me down and looked me in the eye, I was certain a ring would appear. But what he said instead broke my heart. He told me that he needed more time and that his therapist said that if I loved him, I’d understand and give it to him! I was shocked, saddened, and didn’t know what to do.

2. Make him realize he could lose you

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After I caught my breath and got my bearings together, something dawned on me — something I’d never considered before. I didn’t want to lose him, but I needed to let him know that this wasn’t just about him and that he could lose me too. I also realized that I could end up wasting months living with a man — and being exclusive with him — while essentially cutting myself off from other opportunities and the commitment I needed.

So I told him this: "I love you, and I want you to take as much time as you need. But while you’re deciding what to do, you can’t have me all to yourself." It wasn’t manipulation or an ultimatum — it was a way of taking care of myself and doing for myself what I needed to do.

That weekend, I packed my bags and treated myself to some alone time. I needed to reconnect with myself and remind myself that I had a life outside of him. Research from 2021 claims that learning how to be alone can lead to improved mental health and stress reduction.

As soon as I did that, and I put the focus back on myself, so did my then-boyfriend. So much so, that two weeks later — he proposed.

3. Uphold your boundaries and know your worth

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So, what does this mean for you? Lots of things. First, it’s a hopeful lesson that everything can be turned around. I wouldn’t normally coach my clients to move in with their boyfriends.  

Instead, I often advise women that they should keep dating different men until they have the commitment they want from the man they want. But women often cringe at the idea of continuing to date other men.

When my then-boyfriend told me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to marry me, I didn’t go and line up a bunch of dates. But what I did do was "date myself." I made plans by myself to do things that pleased me. And, in doing that, I reminded him of the woman he fell in love with.

Knowing your worth, and having high self-esteem, allows you to know what you want in relationships and show others how to treat you, research from 2023 confirms.

I shook him up so that he saw that his life was much better with me in it than it was without me. It scared him a little — by reminding him how great I was, it woke him up to the fact that other men might rush in to claim me before he did. When a man realizes what he has with you — and that he could lose it — he’ll feel naturally motivated to make a lifelong commitment to you.

Rori Raye is a relationship coach who's helped thousands of women transform their love lives.