Whether or not you believe in love at first sight, the truest form of connection between two people comes long after their first date. The real intimacy begins after the honeymoon phase is over, after you’ve shown each other your flaws and decided to stay together. Loving someone isn’t about being perfect, it’s about showing up for each other, over and over.
Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and a foundation of trust that both people commit to keeping in tact. While some mistakes are impossible to avoid, there are certain things a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves. When a woman is truly in love, she will show up for her partner and for herself.
Here are 12 things a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves
1. Invalidate their feelings
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One thing a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves is invalidate their feelings. She might not always understand her partner’s emotions, but she’ll work her hardest to make them feel seen, heard, and held.
According to psychologist Guy Winch, “Emotional validation is a crucial relationship skill and an incredibly useful one for conflict resolution, but doing it can feel scary and intimidating.”
He noted that people often avoid emotionally validating their partners because they want to “make the problem and blame go away by explaining why they shouldn't feel the way they do — by making their feelings go away.”
Yet all feelings hold value, even the painful ones, even the ones that are hard to hear. A good woman knows that emotionally validating her partner provides them with the security they need to process their feelings, which then allows them to move forward.
2. Withhold affection
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Another thing a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves is withhold affection as leverage for making her partner feel bad or for getting what she wants. She fully understands the power of touch. She knows that love is an action word, and she doesn’t hesitate to share affection with her partner.
While physical intimacy is at the forefront of most couple’s minds, clinical psychologist Randi Gunther revealed that the happiest couples have four types of intimacy: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
She noted that each form of intimacy is connected to the others, explaining that “when both partners understand each other's thoughts and feelings, and how they are communicated in intimate interactions, they will be more likely to respond accurately to each other’s needs and requests.”
“The open sharing of emotional states is for many the most important basis for trust and comfort and must precede any other intimate connection,” Gunther continued. “Knowing that a partner tracks, intuits, understands, and supports the emotional experience of another allows couples to form the foundation from which all other intimate interactions are safe.”
When a good woman is in a relationship with someone she loves, she keeps their connection strong. She shows vulnerability and expects the same in return. By letting her partner see her inner world, a good woman initiates the connection they both need to give and receive affection.
3. Shut down during hard conversations
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A good woman won’t shut her partner out during hard conversations. She won’t go silent, even when they’re talking about difficult things. She knows that effective communication is the lifeblood of a lasting relationship and that facing conflict together is significantly better than isolating herself.
While a good woman won’t tap out of tough discussions, she will protect her inner peace and ask for time alone, if she needs to process what’s happening. As licensed professional counselor Gina Binder explained, asking for quiet is fundamentally different from giving someone the silent treatment.
A moment of silence allows us to honor precious memories or gather our thoughts before speaking,” she revealed. “But with the silent treatment, something golden becomes punitive and quietly aggressive. Extended silence functions as a relationship weapon. We need to lay down this weapon and constructively face our disagreements.”
A good woman who’s in a relationship with someone she loves won’t use the silent treatment. If she needs time to gather her thoughts, she’ll express her needs clearly and directly, because that’s how relationships are built to last.
4. Break promises
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A thing that a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves is break the promises she’s made. She keeps her word, because she knows that being reliable is part of trusting each other. It doesn’t matter if the promise is something small, like saying she’ll pick up milk on her way home from work, or something more emotionally resonant: A good woman won’t go back on her word.
Relationship coach David Steele shared making the promise to nurture each other in a world “surrounded by cynicism and challenges” is how couples stay together over time.
He noted that love is more than a feeling. Love is a choice. Committed love requires both people to be present, to share their truths, and to be transparent about their “thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs,” in order to fully share themselves.
Steele revealed that relationships are mirrors that reflect each person back to themselves. The unifying “desire to be happy and feel loved” means that each person has to promise to let themselves be happy and receive the love being given.
5. Dismiss their dreams
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Another thing a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves is dismiss or diminish their dreams. She lifts her partner up, providing the baseline of emotional security that’s needed to dream big.
She believes in her partner and she believes in their shared goals. She knows that an essential part of nourishing the relationship means not doubting what they’re capable of doing, together.
6. Hold grudges
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Holding grudges is a thing that a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves. Someone who habitually holds grudges tends to have a rigid worldview and an unforgiving mindset. They let their anger blind them to the possibility of reconciliation. As psychotherapist Diane Barth explained, “a person who holds a grudge has a sense that the world is split up into those who are right and those who are wrong.”
“Some of us never quite move out of this tendency to view everything as only one way or another, and to protect ourselves from feeling that we are all-bad, we have to see ourselves as all-good,” she continued. “The problem is that both a grudge and the anger that accompanies it are often disproportionate to the ‘wrong.’”
Barth shared practical techniques for navigating a relationship when one person holds a grudge against another, noting that the first step is to apologize if you’ve done something that caused harm. If not, Barth advised letting “them know that you understand that they have a different perspective than you do, and that you had no intention of creating the problem that you and they are now facing.”
The next step is asking what you can do to make things better, and release the idea that you can control how the person holding the grudge feels.
Holding grudges often leads to the erosion of close relationships, as though the people involved are standing on opposite sides of a precipice they can’t cross. Yet when a good woman is in a relationship with someone she loves, she won’t hold grudges. She’ll center repair, while acknowledging that the only way out of a conflict is to move through it, together.
7. Resist growing together
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Another thing that a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves is resist growth, both as an individual and as a couple. She’ll listen when her partner brings up issues. She’ll be receptive to feedback, instead of defensive, and she’ll aim for change. Oftentimes, relationships end because two people outgrow each other, or one person moves forward while the other stays stuck. Yet when a couple holds each other accountable for showing up as their most authentic selves, they grow as a unit.
A good woman welcomes change, because she knows that the best part of being in a relationship with someone she loves is yet to come.
8. Be threatened by their success
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Being threatened by her partner’s success is something a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves. She knows that showing up for her partner requires more of her than being there during hard times: It means celebrating their victories, too. When a person is meant to be in your life forever, resentment and contempt are non-starters, which a good woman in a relationship with someone she loves fully understands.
When a good woman is in a relationship with someone she loves, she doesn't need external validation to prove her self-worth. She accepts loving and being loved, for exactly who she is. When her partner wins, she wins, too, which is why she’s not threatened by their achievements.
9. Ignore their perspective
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Ignoring her partner’s perspective is a thing a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves. She stays open-minded and receptive to new ideas, which is a sign she has high intelligence. Even if she disagrees with what her partner believes, she still lets them express themselves. She holds space for them in a non-judgmental way.
She prioritizes respectful disagreements, which means she doesn’t force her opinion on them or try to change their mind. A good woman understands that ignoring her partner’s perspective will lead to them feeling isolated, which eventually creates a rupture and a sense of distance that’s too wide to breach.
10. Disrespect their family and friends
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A thing that a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves is disrespect their family and friends. She understands where her partner came from and she honors their roots. She accepts that love exists in different forms, and she doesn’t feel a need to compare herself to her partner’s college bestie or anyone else.
As long as her partner’s family members show her respect, she will welcome them into her life. There are certain situations that can make being close with her partner’s family a challenge, especially if her mother-in-law shows signs of being toxic, but still, a good woman will be civil, at the least.
A good woman knows that what she and her partner are creating together can include his family and friends, since love isn’t a finite resource, and there’s certainly enough to share.
11. Cross their boundaries
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Purposefully crossing her partner’s boundaries is something a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves. While setting boundaries isn’t always easy, maintaining them can be even harder. A good woman in a relationship with someone she loves will respect her partner’s limits and listen to the boundaries they set for themselves.
As lawyer and author Susan J. Elliott explained, “Healthy boundaries give us healthy relationships, healthy self-esteem, and healthy well-being.”
Some people shy away from setting boundaries because they think it will make them seem demanding or ungrateful. Yet in reality, boundaries are a way of loving yourself and the people around you. People who care about you also care about your boundaries. They’re a tool for communication and meeting your own needs.
“Having strong boundaries makes you attractive to healthy people who like knowing where you stand,” Elliott concluded.
12. Refuse to apologize
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Another thing a good woman won’t do in a relationship with someone she loves is refuse to apologize. Conflict can only be repaired if people take ownership of their behavior, which often includes saying sorry. As psychologist Guy Winch explained, figuring out how to move forward after doing something wrong is essential to maintaining harmony in a relationship.
“Causing ‘harm’ to another person doesn’t mean we’re ‘bad people,’” he revealed. “We all make mistakes and cause harm or distress to others regularly, whether intentionally or not.”
“What matters when another person is harmed by our actions or inactions is what we do once we realize it. And what matters when we decide we need to offer an apology is whether we do so effectively,” he continued..
“The goal of every apology should be to garner authentic forgiveness. To that end, the focus of our apology has to be on the experience of the other person,” Winch concluded.
Having empathy and acknowledging that you hurt someone is part of offering a real apology. While fear and pride can stop people from fully owning their actions, a good woman who’s in a relationship with someone she loves holds herself accountable, which makes her relationship stronger than she ever imagined it could be.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
