Love is challenging enough to find without self-defeating behaviors. Many women can't find a successful relationship because they become their own worst enemies.

After discussing the issues with more than 250 women on Facebook, I found that many were awakened to their own behaviors and how they were subconsciously destroying their chances for love. Here are a few things I learned from the discussion about how women sabotage their chance to find real love.

Here are three ways even smart women sabotage their chance of meeting a great guy:

1. You put your ex on a pedestal


After a breakup, we sometimes remember our exes as perfect. We look past the issues that caused the breakup and focus on only the good parts of a relationship. 

Even worse, we don't see our contributions to how the relationship failed. These rose-colored glasses viewpoint, which research from The Assocation For Psychological Science says releases oxytocin in the brain, can have a detrimental effect on future relationships for several reasons:

• You think, "No one will ever be like him." You compare future romantic interests to the good parts of your past relationship. As a result, you search for and find all the flaws in the new guy, and talk yourself out of discovering someone new.
• No self-reflection or transition past the relationship. By mentally staying in a past relationship, you limit yourself for the future. You subconsciously stay stagnant in the hopes that he might return and you'll be back together.
• You think, "He's nothing like my first love." Even established relationships can be affected by an ex long past. If you still hold a candle for a first love, instead of investing in your present with a current partner, you can sabotage your relationship. You'll struggle with unnecessary arguments, tension, and disconnection because you'll keep your current partner at arm's length emotionally.


2. You try to make the relationship work all by yourself

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Too many women get stuck in thinking that the relationship needs them to make it work. You may get treated well, but your partner isn't actively investing — he's just doing the bare minimum to keep the relationship going. This causes you to wonder what you're doing wrong.

Most often, this situation is the result of having your self-esteem locked up in that relationship. You think that if you do more, your partner will come around and love you. Then, you will finally be worthy of love. This is a self-esteem trap, and it leads to clinginess, insecurity, and (in extreme cases) love addiction.

A relationship takes two people. If one is not on the same page emotionally there will be a disconnection, which can lead to this kind of cat-and-mouse game. 

You need to have a firm grasp of your values and your identity as a woman. Research from 2023 says that couples who share the same values are more successful. If you don't know how to be happy with yourself, you won't know how to be happy in a relationship.


3. You hold a grudge against all men

With the anger that can accompany some breakups — or if you've had several bad relationships in a row — you might try to convince yourself that all men are bad. With that mentality, you won't need to invest, trust, or develop an intimate relationship with anyone again.

But it's not healthy and it doesn't acknowledge that relationships are made up of two people. Even if he was the worst guy possible, you had your contributions to what made the relationship fail (even if your only "contributions" were that you ignored red flags, stayed too long, or allowed yourself to be in a disconnected relationship).

For those women who have been in multiple bad relationships, they think they've had five bad relationships in a row. But in reality, they've had one bad relationship five times. 

My advice: Get out of the pattern. Get into you. Change your environment and you'll change your selection process. Other women fool themselves and embrace bitterness with statements like, "There's no such thing as love. I just want to be single." But what many are truly saying is, "I've been hurt and I'm not willing to put myself out there to be hurt again." 

What they need to realize is that not everyone is the same. All relationships are different. Love is great, but they have to love and trust themselves before someone else can. Loving yourself and having high self-esteem comes with its own benefits, research from 2023 confirms.

Moving past a bad relationship takes a concerted effort to accept (what happened and your part in things), forgive (yourself and others), and change. In the end, it becomes a simple choice: Either you choose to live back where you were or you choose to live where you are.

Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series, The Problem with Women… is Men.