If you’re currently single and feel like it may be a chronic condition, and your mantra is starting to look like “I’m never going to meet anyone ever,” you’ll want to visit this list of “real” reasons you may still be single.

Here are 3 subtle traits of women who have a hard time finding a relationship, according to psychology:

1. You’re still reeling from a traumatic breakup and can’t let it go.

Yes, he might have been one of your great loves and a (hopefully) wonderful part of your life. But the truth is, sister, from me to you, he’s also no longer a part of your life. Letting go hurts, but remaining stuck on him and your relationship will leave you stuck.

To be truly happy, consider what it would be like if you were to move on with your life honestly. What would you be doing in your free time? 

Would you be Facebook stalking his friends? Would you be driving by his house or stopping by your old haunts to see if he’s there? Or would you be getting more involved in a hobby or a new project at work? Research from Harvard states that trying new activities can improve your mental health.

Whatever you do, you must move on; just “thinking about it” or waiting for it to go away won’t work. Once you can move on, it will be easier to open yourself up to a relationship with someone new.

2. Your relationship theories are outdated.

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Suppose you’re like some women out there waiting for the man of their dreams to accidentally bump into them at Barnes and Noble when they discover they both hold the same book and are also (GASP!) absolute soulmates. In that case, you may be racking up quite a bill in the book department. (And not racking up much else in the relationship department.)

If you still think all you need to do to “get out there” is show up at the grocery store and make eyes at, well, everyone, you have some work to do, sister. Do you still think that if you “don’t look for it, it will find you,” but you’re taking it to the extreme (as in, staying home every night waiting for someone to knock on the door)? 

Are you reading about dating rules and ensuring you follow everything to a T? Then it’s probably time to let someone else tell you why your love life isn’t where you want it to be.

Relationships in the 21st century require intention, action, and the skills to let men know you are an attractive and powerful woman. What your mother taught you (or didn’t), or what you think worked for you in the past, won’t work. Make sure you’re prepared to date with dignity online, offline, in person, and wherever you meet men.

And what's one of the easiest ways to meet men? According to a Stanford study, most couples met on an online dating site.

3.  You’re lying to yourself about what you want.

So maybe you’ve decided that online dating is the right thing to try, and you should. According to a study from the Pew Research Center, 44% of people want a long-term relationship on dating sites.

But suppose you’re interested in getting married soon, continuously writing men who say they’re looking for some “casual fun” or an “activity partner” or are consistently significantly younger than you. In that case, you are either not looking for a serious relationship or thinking you’re compatible with the wrong type of man.

To get out of that mindset, take it upon yourself to start writing Mr. Boyfriend Material men: men in your age range (-ish) who are also looking for a serious relationship and whom you’re not judging their profile based on things like how hot he looks with his shirt off or what a fast, fun life he looks like he’s living. 

You’ll get over that–and probably pretty quickly. Get realigned with what you are looking for and what will make you happy, and we would venture a guess that you won’t be single for long.

Marni Battista is a Los Angeles-based certified life coach, the founder of Dating with Dignity and The Institute for Living Courageously, and the author of dating advice for women.