I want to talk about a question many of you ask yourself but rarely say out loud: how often "normal" married and unmarried couples are intimate, and how often they "should" be having it. So many people worry that they’re either not having enough intimacy, or that they’re having too much. 

If you ask two people who are getting it on with their partners with the same frequency — say, twice per week — one may feel completely frustrated because they wish it was happening daily, while the other may resent feeling pressured by their partner and wish they could scale it back to once a month.

The results of a highly cited study published in the Society for Personality and Social Psychology indicate that for most married couples, being intimate once a week is a sweet spot.

 "Although more frequent intimacy is associated with greater happiness," said lead researcher Amy Muise, "this link was no longer significant at a frequency of more than once a week."

But the truth is that we’re all so different. Defining what's "normal" regarding most human behaviors, especially when it comes to matters associated with intimate activity, is pretty darn difficult.

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How often should couples be intimate? According to a recirculated study from the Kinsey Institute:

• 18- to 29-year-olds are intimate an average of 112 times per year,
• 30- to 39-year-olds are intimate 86 times per year, and ...
• 40- to 49-year-olds an average of 69 times per year.

Thirteen percent of married couples are intimate a few times per year, 45 percent a few times per month, 34 percent two to three times per week, and 7 percent four or more times per week. 

Almost half of married couples are intimate a few times per month. Does that surprise you? It kind of surprises me. When you think back to a time when your mojo — in the true, Austin Powers sense of the word — was at its height, how often were you getting it on?

Over time, the stress of jobs, kids, fatigue, illness, and marital challenges pile up for most of us, threatening to rob us of our mojo. I had a patient, let’s call her Sophie, who had recently given birth to a child with her husband. Afterward, she said she honestly didn’t care if she had never been intimate again.

Many compounding factors played a role; Sophie was breastfeeding, she had postpartum depression, and the medication she took for her post-partum blues didn’t help her libido at all. Seven years later, things haven’t changed much. 

The kids were older and sleeping through the night, the postpartum depression was gone, and she had gone through the process of getting off of her medication. However, Sophie was still picking up the pieces of the wreckage years of abstinence had caused her marriage.

Another patient, we’ll call her Monica, married her high school sweetheart after the two had been together for twenty years. At first, things were hunky dory, but as the years passed, their frequency dropped off until they were only intimate with each other a few times per year.

She tried seducing her husband because her needs demanded more than what he had been giving her but to no avail. As a result, her self-esteem dwindled and her libido suffered. She asked him if he was gay, but he denied it, saying that he was attracted to women, just not her. Ouch.

Monica came to me to ask if she was “normal” because she wanted to be intimate every day. She worried that maybe she was sick or that something was inherently wrong with her for having this unreciprocated desire to share the enjoyment of physical pleasure with her husband.

Four years later, I heard they were getting divorced. No big surprise there. I feel for you, sister. After talking with Sophie and Monica, I got curious about intimacy frequency. 

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So, I started asking people in relationships to answer these three questions:

• How much intimacy would make you perfectly blissful?
• How much intimacy would make you feel satisfied and content?
• What’s the bare minimum intimacy frequency you would need to get by if you knew it wouldn’t last forever (such as when your partner is ill)?

The answers I got from my little straw poll were surprisingly consistent. Granted, my study selection was limited mostly to married couples with children, so it’s a skewed population, and I asked more men than women. But here’s how they answered:

• Blissful: 3 to 5 times per week
• Content: once per week
• Bare minimum: once per month

I also asked my buddies on X, formerly Twitter, how much intimacy was enough, and here’s what they had to say.

• “When you have enough intimacy, you know it. Just like a climax, there is no doubt ... you’re full and satisfied, and your cup runneth over. Divine intimacy is the only intimacy that touches the whole body.” — Doris Jeanette, holistic psychologist
• “Money and intimacy are similar. When you have some, you can’t get all you want. If you don’t have any, you can’t get any. Another similarity between money and intimacy, you only need enough to get by on, and some days you need way more than others.” — Dave Olsen
• “Seems like it ebbs and flows through the years and if no one is dissatisfied, it's all good. We check in. If it's been a while, we talk about it, and usually it's a mutual sense of just being too tired.” — Erin Moore
• "How much do we get it on? A lot more now that hubby is home and walking around without clothes!" — Stephanie Elliot
• “Can you ever have enough?” — Amanda Bee

I can’t help comparing everyone else’s answers to my own love life (it’s almost impossible not to compare ourselves to others, isn’t it?).

My husband and I probably get down about once or twice a week. I’m pretty sure if I showed up in my black teddy more often, he’d be all over that, so I guess I’m the one who puts the brakes on our love life.

Why don’t I want to be intimate more often? I mean, I love my husband and I think he’s totally attractive. So, what's getting in the way?

The answers are mostly the obvious — time, energy, and not wanting the burden of having any more expectations stacked on my shoulders, among other things. But, despite this differential, we’re both content.

Is 'content' good enough? I'm not sure. Could it be better? I think so. Could we grow our mojo as we explore our lives together? Yes. Will we? I hope so. If you and your partner are both happy, you're intimate often enough.

If one of you is dissatisfied with the frequency of your intimacy, it bears exploring, because those seeds of discontent breed loss of mojo and relationship discord. 

Do your best to try talking about it with your partner.  I know intimacy is hard to discuss, but it's healthy for both of you to touch base periodically. If you and your partner disagree about optimal intimacy frequency, see if you can reach a compromise that works for each of you.

Too often, we make assumptions about our partners that simply aren’t true. Maybe you wish you could be intimate twice a week, but your partner only wants to commit to being intimate every other week. 

Maybe you assume your partner isn’t all that physical when, in reality, your partner doesn’t always want to put in the hour-long ordeal of getting you prepared. What if you could just have a quickie now and then to tide you over? Would you be willing to sacrifice quality for quantity?

Talk to your partner about your wants and needs. And, if you’re the one who hasn't been in the mood lately, ask yourself why that is and what roadblocks are keeping you from being intimate with your spouse and wanting to share your bond by expressing your love through a physical connection. You'll both be glad you did.

Lissa Rankin, MD, is an integrative gynecologist, coach, artist, New York Times bestselling author, and founder of the Whole Health Medicine Institute.