This was the worst fight you've ever had, and you are scared. You can't remember if it was you or them who said the "D" word first. But now that divorce is in the conversation, do you feel like it could be over?
This is a critical time for you and your future because fighting can be the best thing that can happen for the two of you.
Here are 5 secrets of the wives who don't hold grudges after a fight
1. They get centered
Sit in a chair with your back erect and your feet on the floor. Take a couple of deep breaths and let your eyes close naturally. Allow physical tension to seep out of your body and into the chair you are sitting on.
Imagine you are outside on a bright, sunny day. Tip your face back and imagine the sun shining on your face. Mindful meditation has been shown to increase the feeling of being and belonging by research in the Journal of Occupational Science.
2. They bring attention to the heart
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Think about your partner and the fight. Scan your upper body and see if you feel pressure, heat, or pain anywhere in your chest or stomach. Put one hand on your heart and one hand on the place on your body where you feel the disappointment.
Breathe deeply and think this: Even though this sucks, it will get better. Even though a part of me is angry, there's another bigger part of me that knows how to rise above this. Even though a part of me is so angry at them, there's another bigger part of me that is not.
This is true, isn't it? Breathe.
3. When they start feeling better, they think about their partner
When you think about them out there in the world, at work or play, what is something you like or admire about them? See if you can think of three or four characteristics that you like about them. This helps increase love feelings and marital satisfaction as shown by a study in the Journal of Psychophysiology.
If you can't do this yet, go get a big glass of water and repeat step two. You picked them as your partner. Don't be hardcore about this. There are at least three or four things you still like about them. Grab your journal and write them down.
4. They pick one favorable characteristic
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Let's say you use "loyal," for example. Write their name and your selection in a sentence. "Stephen is loyal, and I like that." Say it a couple of times and see how it strikes you. If it feels a bit flat, you probably still have some snarkiness hiding in there. Don't worry, that's normal.
5. They allow themselves to recall a time when they saw loyalty in action
It works best to pick someone outside your immediate family. When did you see your partner being loyal to someone? What did they do? Write the story of what they did and why their actions were memorable. As you write this story, see if you notice a difference in how the description feels compared to the statement in the last step.
When you think about something endearing about your partner, that means you took time to create a view of them that is radically opposite of their self and is showing up most of the time these days. It sounds crazy, but this works. Suppose it doesn't, don't give up or complain. Simply repeat steps one and two as many times as you need to before you can let yourself like your partner again.
It is a big, lonely world out there, and many women are single and want what you have with your partner, as fragile as that may be at the moment. An article in the Contemporary Family Therapy Journal suggests no one can get it right all of the time, and if yours has screwed up, gently let them off the hook and reconnect heart to heart.
Marriages are being crushed in the mix of unemployment, underinsured, and college grad kids who are living at home. Young working parents with school-age kids, homework, Boy Scouts, and music lessons and somehow paying for it all.
No wonder you are arguing. But please don't give up on your relationship just yet.
A frightening fight is a sure sign hurtful things were said. There was a bit of truth in what they said, even though it hurt to hear it. If alcohol was involved, it may have gotten mean on top of hurt.
It's the worst thing ever to try to reconnect after all of that. You may think they should apologize, and then, when they do, you reject them with a snarky attitude. Or, maybe it is you who is approaching them, and they are being cold and unresponsive.
Remember, you are together for a reason
You are together for a reason. If it is over, fine, you'll move on and get over it, but if you can reconnect to your partner after a major fight, you will empower yourself to make a truly clear choice about whether you want to keep building a future with them.
Remember, the magic is in the steps. Do these five steps just once a week. That's it. Notice you communicate nothing to them in words, you do all the work invisibly.
You will notice a change in your partner. They want to be closer to you, and they just don't know how to do it.
When you choose to create an endearing thought about them, you set your love vibe high enough for them to respond to. They will tune into your best self, and you will remember why you ended up with them in the first place.
Catherine Behan is a highly educated and accomplished individual with a diverse professional background. She is a dating and intimacy coach, blogger, content writer, freelance writer, and editor. She currently works as a Law of Attraction and Success Coach, where she leverages her expertise in EFT to help people attract abundance and success in their lives.
