Someone asked me recently how I managed to still have a passionate relationship with my partner. After all, we’ve been together for twenty-four years. She thought there was something wrong with her relationship because, after five years, she no longer had a desire for her partner.

My answer surprised her. The truth is, I hardly ever start with a great desire to be intimate with my partner. I know regular, satisfying intimacy is important to the health of relationships. I get excited regularly but rarely am I dying to be physical with him. The excitement is more like a bodily function, not directed at anyone in particular. But I know from experience once I get into it, I’ll have a great time. Even if I’m not excited to begin with, I get caught up in the act and have a great time.

I told my friend there are three components to having a passionate relationship with the same person over long periods, three promises you must make to keep that intimacy alive — physically and emotionally. 

Three promises you both must make if you want to stay emotionally connected

1. To be more creative

Nothing kills desire faster than routine (and screaming babies, but that’s another story). Experiment with different positions, role-playing, toys, and fantasies. And don’t forget to lubricate. Women who use it regularly report greater satisfaction. You may have to be creative with scheduling time for intimacy if you have children, but just because it’s on the schedule doesn’t mean it has to be boring.

Andrii Lemelianenko via Shutterstock

2. To be more loving

You may have to be willing to forgive your partner so you can feel more loving toward them. Stop holding a grudge and keeping score. Love is not a baseball game. People will treat you as you expect to be treated. When you consistently, honestly expect to be treated with love, that will become your experience. Although this concept is simple, it’s by no means easy. You may need therapy or a good life coach to help you get there.

The more loving you can be, the more likely you are to want to be physically intimate. And then a funny thing happens. The more you are intimate, the more loving you feel toward your partner. You may be less inclined to nitpick or get upset about the little things they do imperfectly. One remedy I often give couples who’ve become disconnected is to connect physically every day for seven days in a row. It provides a kickstart to their connection, and they become more loving toward each other.

3. To be transparent

This is the most challenging of the three. Over time, little things can become big irritants. That cute snore when you were first dating becomes an ice pick in your brain and makes you seriously consider whether you could get away with murder. When you work on becoming more loving, your relationship will improve dramatically. But to keep things good, you have to become transparent with your emotions. That means no more pretending. It means no more allowing yourself to be treated or spoken to in ways that dishonor you.

As children, we see role models behaving this way and are told sometimes, you have to ignore an unappealing trait in an otherwise wonderful person. This disrespects both us and our partners. Being transparent is like being honest, with a turbo charge.

I’ll give you an example. An honest person might say, “I don’t feel like it right now.” A transparent person would say, “I don’t feel like it right now because I feel vulnerable. I’m afraid to be honest because I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’ll tell you why…” Transparency is honesty, owning your feelings, plus creating and maintaining emotional and physical boundaries that help you feel safe.

When two people are transparent with each other, it creates an incredible amount of safety in the relationship. This feeling of safety makes you want to be physically intimate.

Johanna Lyman is a culture and leadership development expert. She is the Principal Consultant and Practice Leader for Culture and Inclusion at Kadabra.

This article was originally published at Romance Recovery. Reprinted with permission from the author.