You feel you've tried so hard to show your spouse they are your dream, yet they are afraid you are up to an evil scheme. Maybe they are caught in a lonesome past that keeps you emotionally so far apart, but you can't free their doubtful mind or melt their cold heart.  Being married to a cold-hearted spouse can feel like you are trapped in an old-timey country song.

Here are seven traits of a cold-hearted spouse:

1. They minimize their harmful impact

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A cold-hearted spouse will minimize the impact of their actions on you. If they've said terrible things, missed an important event, or been physically abusive, they will deflect the pain and minimize the impact of their actions, telling the abused spouse they are crazy for feeling the way they do. This minimization is often internalized and extended when seeking support, as explained by the American Psychological Association.

— Jennifer S. Hargrave, The Compassionate Divorce Attorney, Hargrave Family Law

2. They lack emotional intimacy

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Their partner's feelings, needs, or difficulties barely register to them. When their partner feels offended, they could ignore feelings or fail to notice. They seem not interested in developing emotional intimacy and avoid long, meaningful talks. Within the partnership, this makes one lonely, and research in the Social Psychological and Personality Science Journal shows it is an indicator of relationship dissolution.

— Sidhharrth S Kumaar, Life & Relationship Coach

3. They label and conclude without inquiry

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Two traits will destroy any relationship, but most tragically, in committed partnerships. Those traits are labeling and conclusion without inquiry.

We all need to feel seen and heard to maintain a close connection with our loved ones. If we are labeled as "too this" or "too that" (too busy, short-tempered, fast, slow, uncaring, etc.) Research in the Behavior Therapy Journal suggests no matter what we do, we will be seen as we are labeled.

Who we are is unseen and unrecognized. Labeling is a set of handcuffs we can only get out of by dismissing the person's labeling.

The other trait is not listening. A lack of true curiosity or inquiry brings the demise of connection for all of us. A spouse who chooses not to listen or hear us is not a partner we can live with because our lives don't matter to them beyond what they expect of us.

There is no room for mistakes or growth. We all need to unapologetically express. A partner who refuses to see us is not healthy for either person.

Now, before you decide to ditch the person, make sure you are not doing the same thing to them. All of us have reasons for our behaviors. Your "cold-hearted" spouse might be battling their fears and traumas.

Let go of your labels, judgments, and conclusions long enough to see if there is room for transformation and growth. There is usually a little to a lot of both for each spouse, and there is a chance the greatest expression and connection will emerge from a conscious and successful emergence.

— Larry Michel, AKA The Love Shepherd, Founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics

4. They can't love authentically

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A cold-hearted spouse cannot authentically love. This is the key issue with narcissists, anti-socials, and psychopaths.

There are three components to romantic love — attachment, which is the desire to be with someone special, as shown by research in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Physical intimacy, which is self-explanatory. And caregiving — wanting what is best for another person.

Narcissists, anti-socials, and psychopaths do not do caregiving. They care only about themselves. Therefore, they cannot authentically love.

— Donna Andersen, Author of Lovefraud

5. They ignore their spouse's emotional needs

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A cold-hearted spouse shows little or no reaction to your emotional needs. They may watch you cry without feeling sad, or listen to your concerns with indifference or a grimace on their face.

They do not relate to your problems, whether emotional or physical. They may be dutiful when you need help, but you can tell they aren't doing it out of love or concern.

Sometimes, they may let you know they resent the burden. The Personality and Individual Differences Journal helps explain how this may leave you wondering if they love you or whether you did something wrong to shut them down. The real reason is they lack empathy for you.

— Gloria Brame, Therapist

6. They have a superiority complex

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A cold-hearted spouse is controlling through a sense of entitlement, superiority, or a perceived position of power, as supported by research in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

— Carolyn Hidalgo, Executive Soul Coach

7. They think they always come first

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No matter the situation, they always place their priorities above their spouse's. This means they operate on a "what's in it for me?" basis in most of their interactions.

When something inconveniences them or doesn't match what they believe their partner should do, they get offended and angry. An American Psychological Association study helps show how, in effect, they are unwilling to give their partner the freedom to be themselves and may even carry grudges against them for not living up to their standards.

Of course, they don't even try to live up to their spouse's standards. Their partner's needs are often ignored since they view themselves as the most important person in their marriage.

— Dr. Gloria Brame, Therapist

Possibly, their childhood or another love before your time made your spouse's heart sad and blue, and now your heart is paying for things you didn't do. Their anger and unkind words make your teardrops start because you can't free their doubtful mind.

So you sit alone to hurt and cry while knowing they need and want your love, but they are afraid to try. You can't run and hide from life, but you know the more you care for them, the more you drift apart from each other.

Old country singers didn't have the same access to counseling and therapy that many people have today, so if you are married to a melt-resistant, cold-hearted spouse, you might consider seeking outside help.

Will Curtis is a writer and editor for YourTango. He's been featured on the Good Men Project and taught English abroad for ten years.