Dating while married isn’t about the occasional “date night.” While it’s good for you and your relationship to get out together, dating while married isn’t so much about dressing up and going out on the town. It is more about maintaining the mindset you had when dating, i.e., when you were laser-beam focused on emotionally seducing the person who became your spouse. 

Dating while married is about everyday intimate play. It is so important to continue dating and seducing after marriage because if you don’t, you may find yourself single, doing for another what you should have been doing for your partner all along.

Wives who know how to emotionally seduce their husbands have mastered these three skills:

1. They show their best side

Dating is the seduction phase of a relationship, the equivalent of the human mating dance. Every move is designed to seduce the object of your adoration into loving and wanting you as a mate.

In short, once the sparks begin to fly, you intuitively understand that if you’re going to “seal the deal” and get this amazing person to mate with you, you’d better do everything you can to impress, please, and show your best side, not just occasionally, but all day, every day, 24/7.

2. They channel their inner child and aren't afraid to play

Gigi Delgado via Shutterstock

Unfortunately, we humans think (at a subconscious level) that intimate play is no longer necessary once a physical connection has taken place, so put-your-best-foot-forward intimate play is no longer necessary once we’ve sealed the deal with wedding rings, as explored by research in The Journal of Adult Development on the changes in emotional intimacy patterns of couples over time.

Courtship was successful, we conclude, and, therefore, there’s no more need for the mating dance. There is a major flaw in this reasoning because marriage is a choice we make daily if you want your partner to choose every day to be with you. 

Intimate play is part of our mating dance as the late psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson says, "By understanding the importance of this dance and how it shapes security even during challenges and stress, he will have the skills to shape his dance with intention. He doesn’t have to leave his love relationship to chance or the guiding angels of romance novels."

3. They do things that resonate with your partner

Think about what your partner believes is loving, kind, thoughtful, supportive, positive, and generous. It is those things you do that make your partner feel cherished, appreciated, and special.

It’s putting your best foot forward. It’s keeping your promises and agreements. It’s being responsive to your partner’s needs and wishes. In short, everyday intimate play is doing exactly what you did when dating.

Are you doing that? Do you hold the door for your sweetheart, fill their glass, and are otherwise thoughtful, kind, and polite? Do you say thanks for the little things? Do you surprise your sweetheart with small but meaningful gifts?

Psychologist and author Laurie Minzt suggests that you "Make sure to say appreciative things to one another, even for the small stuff (e.g., Thanks for getting the groceries"). As a couples therapist, I can attest to the power of creating a marital culture of appreciation."

Are you attentive and a good listener? Do you find ways every day to make your sweetheart’s day a little easier or more pleasant? Do you text, email, or call just to say hello? If so, then you’re an ace at intimate play.

Or have you gotten lazy, critical, thoughtless, and self-centered? If so, and if you want to keep your relationship, remember that just as a great build-up is essential to a mind-blowing physical connection, great intimate play is critical to a mind-blowing relationship.

Shela Dean is a relationship coach, retired attorney, and author.