You might call them your soulmate. The love of your life. Your life partner. That special person. We crave our perfect complement — someone with whom we will share the memories of our lives.

We start dating with loads of optimistic energy, but after looking for some time, we become frustrated and start doubting they are out there. This special person is quite elusive. The irony of love is the harder you look for it, the less likely you are to find it.

Love is almost always out there waiting to be discovered. However, most of us are going about seeking love the wrong way by looking for love as a huge, serious business that must be approached earnestly.

Seriousness in the pursuit of love leads to desperation, which will sabotage your chances of finding love.

Eight things to do before getting back on the apps

1. Take care of yourself

Many people are so focused on looking for love that they neglect taking care of and loving themselves.

When you focus on nurturing yourself, you will keep your life balanced, and you will be a happier and more interesting person. Concentrate on activities to give you joy even as you seek out love.

2. Be happy with yourself

Do you believe you can only be fulfilled if you are in a relationship?

Many people walk around unhappy with themselves and their lives. They carry the myth you can only be happy if you are in love and a relationship.

While there are immense benefits to being in a committed relationship, you can be just as happy and fulfilled without being part of a couple. Expecting another human being to make you happy is placing a huge, impossible burden on your shoulders and setting yourself up for failure.

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3. Stop criticizing yourself

Do you know people who, in your humble opinion, are not as exciting as you, not as cute or attractive as you, not as smart as you, not as loving and caring as you, and probably not even as accomplished as you, and yet they have a great relationship?

These people may not have as much going for them, but they have learned the art of self-love and self-care. The foundation of everything is self-love, self-worth, and self-confidence. You must love yourself before anyone else can love you. 

Many people are seeking partners and relationships to complete them because they feel incomplete.

Do you stand in the mirror and say, "Look at my hair! Look at those ugly hips! How on earth will I ever meet someone when I am this short? I have legs like stumps! Why did my nose have to be this wide? My eyes are too far apart! I am destined to be alone!"

Well, if you continue criticizing yourself and putting yourself down, then you can be sure other people will find it very difficult to see value in you since you are hiding it so well. Before anyone else can know, understand, and love you, you must fall in love with you.

4. To find true love, be your true love

One part of Helen Fisher's extensive research indicates you must have an innate understanding of yourself and a loving and open relationship with yourself before you can attract your ideal partner. You must first solve the mystery of you before you can be happy in a relationship.

The first step in the journey towards love is learning to love yourself exactly the way you are.

All people have things they would like to improve about themselves: weight, skin color, face, personality, and even habits.

If you focus on what you perceive to be your shortcomings, you will succeed in convincing yourself you are not worth it and, indeed, you will not be deserving of love. How can you learn to love another person when you do not love yourself to begin with?

Learn to look at yourself the way you would a friend. Don’t you accept and love them just as they are? See yourself as a worthwhile, valuable, and lovable person, and be kind to yourself even as you work on your shortcomings and pursue your goals.

5. All great love stories start inside your own heart

Go inside of yourself and accept everything. The love you accept in your heart will always be a reflection of your deepest beliefs about yourself.

Do you accept abuse in your relationship? Check whether you think you deserve to be treated with dignity or you think you deserve to be disrespected. If you cannot accept and own your weaknesses, mistakes, fears, and flaws, you will never truly love yourself.

A study in the European Psychologist Journal supports that you need to stop judging and denying your flaws, and see yourself as a perfect human being who is full of imperfections — like everyone else. If you haven’t found true love, the likelihood is something stands in the way — mostly the belief you are missing something.

6. Find the missing parts of you

The answer to happiness and fulfillment is not outside of you. You need to turn your attention inward, explore the past wounds, heal them, and come to terms with your life.

All the joy you need, the thrill you are looking for, the fulfillment you crave — you can find all those missing parts by yourself. When you learn to be whole, love will show up.

Stop appealing to imagined potential partners and enrich your life. Follow your path and live a life that is meaningful to you. Be in places you love, do exciting jobs, and meet people whose company you enjoy. Then, you will have a better chance of meeting your soulmate.

7. Use positive affirmations

Professor DK Sherman proposes that positive affirmations are a great way to make you feel worthwhile, complete, and lovable.

Write down a few statements: "I am beautiful inside out," "I attract love wherever I go," and "I am a kind, gentle person, and I am lovable!"

Repeat these statements every morning, and over time, your self-love will start to grow. The only relationship you can truly count on is the relationship you have with yourself. You are your ride-or-die.

8. Focus on having fun

Single events, matchmaking services, and online dating may be enjoyable for some people, but for others, they can feel like high-pressure job interviews. If these activities make you feel desperate and unattractive, you don’t have to put yourself through them.

Dean Drobot via Shutterstock

Instead, you can shift the view of your single life as an excellent opportunity to have fun, participate in new events, and broaden your social circle. By doing things you enjoy doing in environments that make you happy, you meet new people with whom you share values and interests. This is the easiest way to score yourself a great relationship.

So, rewrite the script of your life.

If you want to find love, make yourself the star of your life. No more hating yourself. No more seeing yourself as incomplete or less than enough. No more struggling to become what you think other people want you to become. 

Be you — the best you can be — and you will be more than enough to attract the love you desire.

Randy Skilton is a relationship coach dedicated to helping guys understand themselves and become better men, husbands, and lovers.