Once you learn how to apologize the right way in your marriage, forgiveness is sure to follow, but it's not always instant. Marriage is one of the most rewarding but complex relationships that ever existed. The highs are awesome, but the lows can sometimes be unbearable.
There comes a time in your relationship when knowing how to ask for forgiveness from your wife will make all the difference in your relationship.
Have you:
- Made a joke in front of other people you thought was funny that embarrassed your wife?
- Shared a private secret your wife had trusted you to keep?
- Neglected your wife by spending too much time at work or with friends?
- Made a bad financial decision that affected your family negatively?
- Forgotten to share an essential piece of information with your wife?
- Said something hurtful to your wife in the middle of an argument?
Here are seven ways wives wish husbands would apologize, but they rarely ever do:
1. Listen to her perspective
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Many times, you may not grasp the gravity of the situation or even understand what you have done to hurt your wife. To apologize effectively, you must have the right perspective so that you can know precisely how the situation looks to your wife.
Give your wife a chance to share her feelings with you, as shown in an article by Sandra J. Bailey, Ph.D. You may not understand, but your wife would not be upset without a good reason. The answers are all there if you only listen and ask questions.
2. Take responsibility
An article in the New Zealand Medical Journal suggests you give up the need to be right and accept responsibility for how you have made your wife feel. Accept your wife’s feelings and place the blame squarely on yourself.
Accepting responsibility for your actions will help to diffuse your wife’s anger. Until you admit that you are wrong, your apology will not be genuine and meaningful.
3. Express how sorry you are and ask for forgiveness
Now that you have understood the gravity of the effect of your actions let your wife know how sorry you are. Your apology must be more than just a simple "I'm sorry." It has to be sincere — a sincere apology helps rebuild trust and restore the connection with your wife.
Expressing your regret is a prudent way of demonstrating your remorse for your wife’s hurt feelings. Remember, your body language must go together with your words. It would help if you looked remorseful.
3. Make amends
Make it clear to your wife that you want to fix things, and if there is something she needs from you to make things right, you are willing to do it. You may negotiate to make it up to her, but the essential thing is to express your readiness to do something to compensate for your mistakes, as explored by Ida Hatcher, Psy.D.
Whatever you do, do not:
- Make excuses for your wrongful actions.
- Minimize your wife's pain.
- Tell your wife how and when to forgive you.
- Take this opportunity to point out how your wife caused you pain.
- Pretend that your wife’s wounds will go away just because you apologized.
4. Give her space
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Depending on the gravity of the situation and how your wife is handling her hurt feelings, she might need some time before she is willing to discuss the situation with you.
5. Do not be clingy
After you apologize, you might feel that you want your wife to forgive you immediately, but it is not up to you. If your wife wants a timeout, give it to her. Giving her time to reflect will strengthen your relationship in the long run.
Also, be gracious about her need for space. Respecting her need for space demonstrates respect for her. Do not punish her for it, and don’t take it personally.
6. Work together on an action plan
Demonstrate to your wife that you will do whatever it takes to prevent yourself from making the mistake again. To do this, formulate a plan of action to ensure that the mistake does not repeat itself.
If the situation has helped you figure something out that you think might help your relationship, now is an excellent time to bring it up. Only be careful not to shift blame to your wife as you map out the future.
Also, include your wife in creating the action plan. By asking for her opinion, she will appreciate the effort you are making to become better.
How you behave after you've wronged your wife determines how you will be forgiven and how your relationship will move forward.
Marriage brings together imperfect human beings: one who stumbles and another who makes blunders. As a result, many mistakes are made in the course of the marriage, including apologies.
The Gottman Institute has shown how fighting and disagreements in a relationship are normal. Although small mistakes will not initially hurt your married life, your relationship still requires maintenance.
But, if you've left your maintenance too long, the following things happen:
- You do not acknowledge your mistakes.
- You justify your mistakes.
- You become defensive when you have wronged your wife.
Doing these will eventually drive your wife away. Since making mistakes is inevitable in marriage, knowing how to make things right makes all the difference so that you will eventually be forgiven.
Do you know how to apologize to your wife and ask for her forgiveness?
Men and women regard apologies from very different perspectives. For a woman, apologizing is a way to reconnect with someone whose feelings she hurt. She also sees apologizing as a routine aspect of relationships.
Men, on the other hand, view apologizing as a humiliating situation that makes them lose face. Acknowledging wrongdoing may also make some guys feel diminished. As a result, not only are men reluctant to apologize, but they do not know how to apologize sufficiently.
These differences are a source of massive stress for many marriages.
When you demonstrate to your wife that you have truly learned from your mistakes, you automatically create the condition for forgiveness. You will also inspire forgiveness through humility and sincerity.
Bullying and manipulation will only breed further resentment.
If you allow your ego to take over, you will foster the conditions for unforgiveness, and you will drive your relationship to ruin.
Exercise patience as you wait for your wife to fully forgive you and treat her the way you would want her to treat you when she hurts you. It takes effort and hard work to repair the damage you have inflicted on your relationship. But you know what, when you do things right, the results are rewarding and lots of fun.
Randy Skilton is a relationship coach dedicated to helping guys understand themselves and become better men, husbands, and lovers.
