Ever feel like your dating life or relationships are swirling out of control? They probably are, and it's likely the case because of one myth you buy into, a myth that's sabotaging your chance of finding a healthy, loving relationship: That you can't choose who you fall in love with.
Saying you can’t choose who you fall in love with is a dangerous way to think. If we believe we don’t have control over our emotions and choices, we are in for a wild (and not-so-great) ride. We are in control of our happiness and actions.
The women in those blissful, equitable, satisfying relationships know they get to choose the direction of their relationships. They also know and value these seven key rules.
Seven things women in blissful, healthy relationships know (that you can learn, too)
1. You are awesome — and your life and love should be awesome too!
If there is one thing in life that shouldn’t be average, it's love (and the second is coffee!). Stop letting your fear of being single hold you back from waiting for a love that is everything you ever hoped it would be.
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2. Where you set your bar determines how anyone else is going to treat you
How we love and value ourselves sets up how we let other people love, value, or mistreat us. It’s funny how we develop an unconscious attitude towards our own actions, words, and treatment of ourselves.
When we realize how much we are worth, we set the standard for other people to also see our value, as explored by studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Or if they don’t, we at least know when to block those people from our lives.
3. Love is a tricky business, so make it a little easier for yourself
Relationships are hard enough without adding to the drama because we forgot to set a standard. By being clear about what you want in the beginning and knowing when — and when not — to compromise, you give yourself a head start.
No one wants a constant battle or to be miserable because we let our values slip. Stick to your boundaries before you give your heart away so you can fall in love with someone good to and for you.
4. Having standards means a greater chance of having happiness
When we feel a healthy sense of self-love and a sense of what we want and need, life becomes so much easier! It also means we only attract the right type of relationships into our lives because we can identify the toxic ones.
Kelley Quirk, University of Louisville, helps us know what the red flags look like, it becomes easier to be able to dodge them. And less drama and heartache generally means more peace and happiness in our lives.
5. You can sort the good from the bad (and the ugly)
When you're a woman who knows what you want and deserve, you will be able to sort the wheat from the chaff. If a person doesn’t live up to your (realistic and healthy) standards, it's clear they aren't worth your time.
Save yourself the heartache. Save yourself the drama, time, money, and emotional drainage. Set the boundaries, and you will be able to focus on only inviting the right one into your heart and life, as explained in Dr Lynn Jamieson's work on intimacy and boundaries.
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6. You give yourself permission to grow and flourish
Goodness, life is so much easier when our relationships are easy, too! I’m sure some of you can relate to what it’s like to be in a draining and unfulfilling relationship. It zaps all your energy and thoughts, leaving you feeling exhausted.
Needless to say, it also puts the rest of our growth and life on hold. When you set a healthy standard for a relationship, it permits you to shine, grow, and flourish in all areas of your life.
7. You get to experience love like never before!
This has to be the best reason to set standards (that’s why I saved it for last)! Who wants to be miserable and settle for second best? My guess is no one!
When you raise the bar to match your worth, you also give yourself the chance to invite an incredible love into your life. Love should be incredible. Yes, there will be hard times, but overall, it’s meant to be full of joy.
So do yourself a favor and stop limiting what could be based on your fears, insecurities, and doubts.
Your awesome love story is waiting for you.
Renee Slansky is a relationship and dating coach, as well as the founder of The Dating Directory, an online community for women doing love, life, and relationships.
