Declarations like, “You’re amazing,” “I adore you!”, “I’ve been looking for you forever!” and on a few occasions, after a few hours, “Will you marry me!” have rolled off the silver tongues of men I’ve known, and perhaps you’ve heard these, too.
The first thing to remember when this happens is when he says, “I will love you forever” he meant it then. But that doesn't mean he will actually feel same type of love forever.
Notice each comment ends with an exclamation point. That's because he is as amazed to feel it as you are to hear it. Here are ten more common phrases men might say when they're feeling the flush of romance. After the list, I'll share a few signs he's capable of loving you once that initial flush has faded.
Here are 10 things men say but rarely mean when they're in love
1. “I’m crazy about you” often means, “I’m a hot mess"
Arnie was so breathtakingly beautiful that one of the most successful American fashion designers had offered him 25% of his company if he would just sit in the showroom, be beautiful, and charm the buyers.
He was wild about me, but he was one version of the road to Hell, and because he was in such pain, he was unable to do better.
2. “I love you, you’re perfect”
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Will meant his words, but it was just talk from a man with a metal shield over his heart. He could give all and nothing! On our first date, he celebrated my birthday with pearl and diamond Tiffany earrings in that inspirational blue box. His floral tribute of 3 dozen roses and countless orchids was accompanied by three birthday cards professing his love and devotion.
After a few conversations and one Zoom, I was bemused, grateful, and unconvinced, as you would need to be, too.
On the second date, he asked if marriage was essential to me or if a lifelong committed relationship would make me happy because he had been married twice and didn’t want to repeat the experience. At this point, I didn’t even discuss his need for healing from trauma because he hadn’t the eyes and ears to realize I was different from his former wives.
We dated for a few more weeks, and he spent a fortune on entertaining me, but there was no substance. A study in the Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment shows he was unable to make an emotional connection because of his childhood trauma, and I ended it.
3. “Wow, you tick all the boxes, don’t you?”
Jay said with a smile, approaching with a leer. He was all thrills but too wounded to love. When he took me for a drink, he launched into a story about not wanting to be hurt again by a woman who wasn’t serious.
He had fallen hard for a woman who looked like an angel, but sadly, her sweet exterior was unmatched by her judgmental words as she backed further and further away from him and left him devastated and shocked. As a babe magnet who rarely heard ‘No”, I was shocked that underneath his magnetism was another handsome, smart, astonishingly sexy man who needed healing he was never going to get without doing inner work.
If he says he adores you, check again and again he loves himself enough, too.
4. “Do you think you can ever love me as much as I love you?”
Mark was all heart and a change from the men with metallic pumps in their chests. He became captivated by my costume party 1950’s debutante outfit and declared himself devoted within days.
Sweet words and romantic gestures were abundant, but he lacked ambition, and all his words of love lacked self-love that would have created a big career and a safer future for him. Checking back twenty years later, he was unchanged.
A boy in search of a mother’s love is never going to fill your future with grown-up joy.
5. “You are so beautiful”
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Gary was as attentive as a heat-seeking missile, and that usually means some body part has caught a man’s attention. Many wives are shocked by their husband’s porn addiction. Still, it usually appears at the beginning, so pay close attention to notice if he is unable to connect below the physical and superficial.
When you are getting to know someone and feel thrilled by his declarations, you want them to continue, don’t you?
6. “How did I get so lucky?”
With Bob, it was his luck in question, and he was letting me know he didn’t expect to be successful with me, as suggested by a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. When the man expects to be rejected, be very careful you aren’t trying to boost his ego by making a bad decision. If you are a caring person, this will be hard to avoid.
7. “I adore you!”
This was an over-the-top declaration, but not for Greg because he didn’t mean a word of it. Luckily, he wasn’t an actor, so his delivery fell flat.
8. “Are you really perfect?”
When Pete asked me that question, I knew enough to ask for his “laundry list” because it’s so rare a man’s idea of “perfect” and yours are the same. As the least athletic person, having come close to a career as a dancer, we weren’t a perfect match at all.
9. “Will you marry me”?
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Allen and I were watching fireworks over the Hollywood sign from a warm living room because he had the flu. Suddenly, this big athletic guy slid off the chair and onto the carpet, scaring me. I helped him into bed, and when he felt better, he asked me to marry him. But “death bed” proposals aren’t to be taken seriously, so eventually, I saw through the grand gesture and called it off.
10. “I love you, I really love you”
These words are thrilling when you hear them from the right person, aren’t they? I still remember my boyfriend, Jimmy, who said it in high school before either of us was wounded by love. While we were both much too young and we moved in different directions during college, it was real. It was beautiful and changed me forever. And when I say that, I mean it. It’s not just a line.
Three questions to ask yourself to see if he truly is capable of loving you
Research in Current Psychiatry Reviews shows how these words are usually triggered by the natural opioids of serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin flooding his brain, and it’s the chemistry speaking, not his rational mind.
Pay close attention to what a man says and check the energy behind his words to see if it’s authentic or just a sales pitch. It’s up to you to assess whether someone is a bounder, a user, or if he’s capable of love, devotion, and monogamy if those are high values for you.
Once you have proven he is capable of loving you, and it’s always more complicated than you may realize, you need to consider three things.
1. Was the first example of wild enthusiasm and passion followed by more of the same or less?
Some men become frightened after one declaration of love, so they may disappear for days and days. Staring into the abyss of inconsistent behavior is so alarming, yet many women invent excuses for these men because being alone is more frightening than the future with him they hope will be great as they peer through rose-colored glasses.
Think of a child meeting Santa and believing Santa is real, or think of the money the tooth fairy leaves under children's pillows. That’s the effect of having a massive crush. We feel thrilled and exhilarated, and often, our excitement blocks us from considering whether it’s real or not.
Thumbs up or thumbs down?
2. Use caution
He may have targeted and conned you, but only you can see it and only if you look closely at the evidence of consistent behavior, not words. Friends asked how a husband convinced me he didn’t snore. When I divorced him, he admitted, “I never let myself sleep too deeply!”
3. Is he one of the “super rats”?
As explored in a thesis from the University of Helsinki, Holly Golightly described them in Breakfast at Tiffany’s when she said, “I thought he was just a rat, but he was a super-rat all along. A super-rat in rat’s clothing.” If he is a rat instead of the gorgeous stallion, wise owl, or sexy bonobo you believe he is; your survival depends on recognizing the danger and running away as far and as fast as you possibly can.
Don’t think twice because if he is a smooth operator, he will let you fall on your sword rather than admit his inability to love. If he’s a smooth-talking salesman, he’ll convince you the problem is you.
Some men and women place the highest value on excitement, safety, romantic feelings, or power when they date. Some value honesty and companionship. Your job, when you’re seeking your life partner, is to learn how to tell the difference by paying close attention to a man’s actions before you are influenced by words that may be real, fake, and even lethal, as supported by a study in the Journal of Family Violence.
Remember, words are only pointers. They aren’t the same as facts, and only actions make a long-term difference in your life. Developing the ability to listen calmly with a neutral perspective to loving and adoring or angry and painful declarations is the first step to making your best choices in dating and life.
The bonus is when you find a truly wonderful partner who has done his inner work, and you commit to him, your ability to listen calmly and separate any insincere pitches from soulful sentiments will protect you from marital disasters based on false hopes and lies. Even at the beginning, you will indicate to him you prefer and can handle the truth.
Susan Allan is a Life Coach whose Heartspace® trainings offer proven tools to experience joy and happiness and let go of suffering. She has been named Calipost’s 10 Most Influential Life Coaches in California Transforming Lives and Vogue Daily’s Most Successful Coaches Pioneering Growth and Empowerment.
