So you’re at a friend’s birthday party, sidled up to that friend of a friend who you know is a great match for you — and you have a crush on him. Or maybe you’re just about to meet up with that great guy you met online for a second date and can’t wait.
In either situation, what the heck are you supposed to talk about? Sometimes you need to know what to talk about when you find yourself face-to-face with a man you like, and it's normal to feel worried that you might run out of things to say.
Here are three first-date topics that will tell you whether there's a connection:
1. Common interests
Then talk about those things without taking over the conversation or one-upping him. Maybe you both went to the same elementary school or perhaps you frequent the same Starbucks. No matter what the bond is that you share, talk about it! If you both like rock climbing, ask him about the last trip he went on or the gym where he climbs.
Feel free to share a few of your experiences, of course, but make sure you don’t one-up him in a competitive nature. Many women mistakenly believe they need to make sure they give an impression to the men they’re interested in that they’re uber-strong, a tough cookie, independent, smart, and brave when they share.
And while The Society for Personality and Social Psychology states that men are attracted to confident, powerful women, they also will not be so attracted to you in the same way if they feel like you’ve done everything they’re most proud of — in a much bigger way.
When you share, move the conversation away from what you achieved and instead focus on the sensory parts of the experience. Talk about what it meant to you. Share something you learned about yourself. They say guys bond more strongly based on shared activities, so talking about things you have in common and what it means to you will not only make him feel more comfortable but perhaps (because he isn’t intimidated) he will ask you to join him next time.
2. Your surroundings
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If you’re on a date or in a social setting with a guy you like, feel free to be creative. You can ask him where he got his shirt or comment on the spread at the party. If the people next to you at the bar are having an interesting conversation, you can talk about being so close to them that it feels like you’re all out together.
At Starbucks? Ask him if he’s ever tried the pumpkin spice latte. Standing in front of the frozen food section at Trader Joe’s? Now is the perfect time to ask a bachelor which frozen dinner he thinks tastes “less frozen” and “more homemade.”
Who knows? There’s a chance that a brief Q&A can turn into a conversation and your day could end up more interesting than you thought. Talking about the things you’re experiencing together is a great way to keep the conversation flowing.
3. Current events
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You may want to skip talking about the weather, but the new iPhone? Perfectly acceptable. If he’s into technology, he might want to share his thoughts on Apple’s market share or the fact that the older iPhones have removed Google Maps.
If he’s talking, that’s great news. Ask him his opinions, give your own, and be conscious of keeping the conversation balanced. If you know he likes sports (and maybe you do too), ask him about his favorite team and tell him yours. Oh, what’s that you say? Those teams are playing each other next week? Hello! This could be a potential date for him to ask you out.
Sometimes you don’t have to take control of the conversation entirely. Sometimes letting him take the lead is your best option. Answer his questions, smile often, and make direct eye contact (one study proclaims this shows attraction.) Say his name a few times while you’re talking. (Two is good!)
Touch his arm occasionally and listen actively. If you remember something from the last time the two of you saw each other, ask him about it. Be yourself and get comfortable. If there happens to be a moment of silence, don’t scramble to fill it. Relax and let him do the work!.
What a great opportunity to practice receiving, being “taken care of,” and listening. While it may feel uncomfortable at first, there is great joy in being part of a conversation rather than the director.
Talking to a guy you like doesn’t have to be hard work. Relax, make it fun, and learn some new things about the man you’re interested in. If you get stuck, check the tips above. We think you’re going to be just fine.
Marni Battista is a Los Angeles-based certified life coach, the founder of Dating with Dignity and The Institute for Living Courageously, and the author of dating advice for women.
