We have all heard the stereotype: that men are afraid to commit. As women, we blame men for not wanting the same things we do — marriage, security, and family — and we are quick to label them as players, dogs, or commitment phobes. 

But is it that easy for them to settle down and give up their freedom for just one woman? I mean, wouldn’t she have to be someone extremely special for him to want to do that? So, the million-dollar question is this: what do you need to do as a woman to spark his desire to commit? In Why Men are the Way They Are, Warren Farrell points out six distinguishing behaviors of women men commit to. 

Here are 6 core things men look for in a wife, but don't say out loud:

1. Less focused on getting a man to commit than they are on making him feel appreciated and understood

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If you want a man to want to commit to you, you cannot put too much emphasis on your goal. whether it is a title or a ring. If a man senses that you have an agenda, he'll feel that you are smothering or demanding, and he'll disappear. Rather than focusing on getting a man to marry you, it helps to see each date as a stepping-stone to finding The One. 

Try to go out with as many men as possible during the dating process so that you can learn what men want and practice giving to them. As a woman, you need to focus on understanding a man, not on conquering him. The most beautiful part of dating is getting to know another human being in a deep and personal way. Don't rush it.

2. Able to listen to critical feedback and hear the truth in it without getting defensive

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Critical feedback is not the same as criticism, so don't take it to heart if your partner wants to talk about things. Criticism is different, and according to The Gottman Institute, a relationship ender.

Once you're in a relationship, there will undoubtedly be times when you need to receive critical feedback. Men will be turned off if you become defensive or insecure. When you receive criticism from your boyfriend or husband, don't make it a big deal! Stay open and use your energy to understand your partner's perspective. Put a positive spin on these conversations by choosing to see them as a way to bring the two of you closer together.

3. Mature enough to consider their partner's perspective

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The next rule of thumb is no drama — men hate it! The next time you disagree in your relationship, don't complain to your mother or your girlfriends. They tend to side with you and feed your negativity and fear. Men are drawn to women who talk openly and honestly with them about problems in the relationship. 

4. Able to look past a man's anger and make every effort to understand what caused him to get angry in the first place

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When a man is angry, you want to look past the emotion and focus on understanding what made him angry instead. The more understanding you are, the less he will feel the need to get angry. This approach will not only show that you are a great communicator, but it will also deepen your connection.

5. Able to enjoy intimacy for its own sake and not just to fulfill an obligation

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Physical intimacy is important for relationships, 2023 research states, but it's not the most important thing. 

It's important to know that men today are fully aware that they no longer need to marry a woman and financially support her to be intimate. For this reason, many men are looking for partners who enjoy being intimate and who plan to continue working even after they’re in a relationship. If you want a man to commit to you, he needs to know that you don’t see him as a meal ticket and that you plan to be generous with him both sexually and financially.

Most women get their emotional needs met by various people in their lives. Most men only get their emotional needs met from one person: a wife or a girlfriend. Many women love to complain about how the men they meet are emotionally unavailable. My question for these women is: do you know how to create a safe space where a man can open up to you?

6. Willing to keep working at their jobs even after they are in a committed relationship

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The vital difference between women who remain single and those in relationships comes down to attitudes about men. If you want to attract a man and become his best friend, you cannot keep thinking: "What about me, what about me?"  

To create a deep, long-lasting relationship with a man, it’s important to step inside his mind and understand what life is like for him. If you want a man to commit to you, you need to first be willing to give him the things he needs from you. If you can do that, you will attract a guy who also wants to give you everything you are looking for. Once you foster this kind of relationship with a man, he will crave your company instead of feeling constrained by it and he will want to spend his life with you

Lisa Shield is a dating coach with a Master's in Spiritual Psychology and certification as a life and relationship coach through The Coaches Training Institute. She is also the host of the podcast "Finding The Guardian Of Your Soul."