Forget about love being in the air, weddings are in the air! Which for me, means a lot of talk among my beautiful clients about wanting to get married. And I get it. As a newlywed myself, being married is dreamy… but only if you marry the right guy for the right reasons.
After all, we all know at least one unhappy married couple filled with regret, right? And although it seems sort of textbook 101, it happens every weekend — women (and men) say "I do" when they are thinking gutturally, "I'm not sure."
Women who marry for these reasons are far more likely to divorce:
1. Your biological clock is ticking
The baby machine in you could be overheating, I get it, but there are lots of wonderful ways to fulfill the dream of having a baby, without a husband. Sure, having one would make things easier and perhaps in your mind more ideal… but trust me, having the wrong father for your child not only disservices you, it disservices your future child.
2. You hit your magic number
Emma Bauso / Pexels
Whether your number is 25 or 35, you hit it, or are years passed it, you need to erase the concept of it altogether from your mind. Commitment isn't about a timeline; it is about an experience line.
So don't worry about algorithms that claim the perfect age to marry is 26; marry when you are ready and have found the right person who is also ready for the big responsibility of marriage, regardless of how old you are, or think you are supposed to be. Statistics from the Pew Research Center tell us that people are getting married later in life, as well as reaching key milestones later in life, so don't worry about a specific timeline.
3. You found your dream dress
Even if on a whim one day at a bridal sample sale you bought your fairytale dress and stored it away in the attic, that is no reason to rush marriage. If you properly store it, that dress isn't going anywhere and when you do finally slip it on, it will look even better than the day you bought it since you will be wearing the most important thing of all along with it, true love, inside and out.
Family and marriage therapist Carin Goldstein warns of brides who are more focused on wedding details than the marriage itself. "One may wonder if the wedding is really about the two of you," explains Goldstein. "Take time to evaluate how you will now prioritize your relationships in your life so that it doesn't become a detriment to the marriage.
4. Your current partner is the best guy you've dated so far
The as good as it gets syndrome usually perks up at the time when you are nearing your magic number... this is settling in its truest form. Don't do it. A better fit for you exists, so drench yourself in self-love and go find that better puzzle piece. Loving yourself allows you to have higher self-esteem, and according to research from 2023 the higher your self-esteem, the better relationships you'll be in.
5. You want financial security or health insurance
If you marry a man for money, his health insurance plan, etc, consider the fact that these things could evaporate at a moment's notice. There are no guarantees that bank accounts will stay filled, or that jobs will stay secure.
A marriage built on financial dependency, materialism, lust, or any other non-solid foundation is like building a house on sand. When the wind blows, which it will, your marriage will crumble. The biggest thing a marriage needs to last? According to research, it's trust — and international relationship coach Clayton Olson agrees.
"Without trust, a relationship is just two people giving each other the side-eye," Olson explains, advising couples to focus on that over any other reasons to marry.
6. You think marriage will fix what's broken in your relationship
There is a misconception that being married solidifies a broken relationship. It doesn't. Marriage can emphasize what is wrong and dredge up more problems in the partnership. Before you go into a life-long commitment, it is essential to iron out your issues, especially how you feel about children and money — one 2019 study found most couples bicker about those two issues first.
7. You want to check marriage off your list
You've nailed the fab career, got the great apartment, no one can mess with your killer style, you adore your friends, etc. So what's left other than adding a new last name? Unless you want to add divorce to your life list, be weary of marrying just to be done with it.
It's important to make sure you're ready before you're married. But good news: More and more young people are living together before marriage to make sure they're the right fit, research from The Pew Research Center found.
8. Your parents are pressuring you
If you've got one of those parents who is a constant bug in your ear nagging you to hurry up and get married, you need to find a way to silence the noise. After all, you can be certain the voice will be even louder if you are miserably married or find yourself unraveling your marriage into divorce soon after you've spent your retirement stash on a big wedding. And boy are weddings expensive — according to recent financial statistics from Fidelity, the average cost of an American wedding is $30,000.
9. Because he asked
Jhon Macias / Pexels
It is hard to reject a big, sparkly rock, but just because a man asks for your hand in marriage, doesn’t mean you should give it to him. Remember, with your hand, comes your heart and all of the rest of you. He won’t be the only one to ask, trust me.
10. You dream of a fairytale wedding
If you've dreamed of your wedding day since you were three years old watching princess movies, keep dreaming until the guy at the end of the aisle is all that you imagined the prince to be. Just think, the more time that lapses, the more imaginative you can be, and the more cash you can put towards it! (If you are on the fence with this one, just ask yourself: would you marry your man at a courthouse with no wedding hoopla?)
According to a 2021 survey conducted by OnePoll, the average American woman starts seriously dreaming about her wedding at 19 years old. Make sure you're also ready before splurging on your dream day.
11. You are having his baby
A bump in your belly doesn't require a marriage. Sure if you love your baby daddy and foresaw yourself marrying him before the knock-up, by all means, but don't let your hormone increase get the best of you and make you feel as if you need to marry him because it is the "right thing to do."
A child needs a loving, stable home and if you and your child's father can't provide that, there are better, more creative arrangements that can be made. That is the right thing to do.
12. You can't bear being single one more day
Another sign of settling is the idea that it would be better to get married to a willing party than fight the good fight of dating. If this is you, you need some reprogramming about love and dating.
It is certainly better to be single and searching than settling and miserable — trust me, in a relationship like that, you will still be alone... alone and trapped. According to research from the University of Toronto, the biggest reason people stay in unhappy relationships is because of their fear of being alone — but they shouldn't be scared of that, says psychologist Beth O'Brien.
"Realistically, there will be times in your life when you face being alone," explains O'Brien. "Keep in mind that marriage isn't a guarantee of having constant companionship, either. According to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, with the rate even higher for subsequent marriages."
13. You're crazy in love and have never been in one fight
Butterflies, hearts, fairies unicorns, and every other picture of love surrounds you when you think of this Mr. Wonderful! He's perfect!
Not to sound cynical, but my guess is, you either have known each other for 90 days or less, or someone is hiding something. Before getting married, the relationship must undergo tests to challenge its strength.
14. Everyone else is doing it
Just like your parents used to ask, "If everyone else was jumping off a cliff, would you?" Of course not. Although your destination, marriage, is the same as your friend's, accept that your path there is unique.
Just because yours winds a little longer doesn't make it any less beautiful. Better to be the last one standing, than the first one to fall, right? You owe it to yourself to get married for healthy reasons... so that when you do your marriage will thrive and offer you all the greatness that it can give.
Take your sweet time, dance in exploration, soak up the learnings of like and love, and commit to not settling and when you arrive at the aisle the right way with the right partner by your side, you won’t want to walk down the aisle, you’ll want to run... towards all the dreamy goodness you’ve waited and prepared for. Here's to making wonderful choices... for wonderful you! Live and love largely, Tristan
Tristan Coopersmith is a dating coach and therapist who has been featured on several radio shows including Dr. Drew’s Loveline and in many print and online publications such as Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Woman’s Day, JDate, AOL, and more.
