Back when I used to date guys seriously, there was one guy I had dated who really was unique in my mind. We’ll call him John.

He was charming, and handsome, and had been gifted a tongue made of pure silver. With those qualities, he always had a knack for getting me to lend him money, be intimate with him, and just tolerate bad behavior. However, whenever I needed something, he would disappear. 

Though I loved John, I eventually realized he didn’t love me. He just loved using me. If you are asking yourself "Is he using me?" and want to avoid dating your version of him, keep an eye out for these signs.

Here are 15 subtle signs a man doesn't love you, he only loves using you:

1. At first, he was generous but now, you’re always footing the bill for everything

I had this happen with both John and one other guy. Both times, “I’ll pay you back” turned into “Well, things are still tight. Why are you so stingy?” I eventually realized that they did this on purpose so that they could gain my trust enough to basically let them mooch off of me. 

I'm not saying the man has to pay every time, but it would be nice. One poll from Nerdwallet found that 78% of men don't mind paying on the date.

2. You’re always helping him out but he makes you seem unreasonable when you ask for even the smallest thing

This is just a bad dynamic all around. If you have to beg, plead, and try to “sell” the idea of a guy being there for you, you need to leave him and cut him off. Why bother with helping him out if he’s unwilling to do the same for you?

3. He’s very charming — to the point that it’s hard to say no to him

John would probably make a killing if he was a salesman. Most guys who use girls for money, intimacy, or connections flex their charm muscles because they know people will be more willing to give them things by being charming.

4. He makes a point of making you struggle to keep his attention

A lot of guys who use girls take a sick pleasure in seeing girls chase after them, beg for their attention, and jump through hoops to please them. Make no mistake about it, this kind of behavior is abuse.

5. If you have boundaries, he keeps trying to push them or get you to make an exception for him

A healthy relationship respects boundaries. If he whines about boundaries or keeps pushing for you to drop one for him, you need to dump him. At best, a guy who does this is disrespectful and is trying to use you to meet his needs. At worst, this indicates he’s an abuser waiting to get you to a point of weakness.

Vera Arsic / Pexels

6. He has entitlement issues

Does he seem to think that people are required to do things for him, just because he’s there? Entitlement and using go hand in hand, you know.

7. He’s taken things without asking because he “didn’t think you’d mind”

No, he knew you’d mind. He just didn’t care and figured that it was easier to ask for forgiveness than it would be to just ask for it.

8. If you tell him you can’t spend money or give him something, he stops talking to you, cold shoulders you, or flips out at you

Users don’t like having their walking ATMs or “quick lays” stop dispensing goods. This means that they will do whatever it takes to try to keep that line open for them and that often means that they will try to “train” you into doing what they want by reacting negatively to you saying no.

Things like verbal abuse, stonewalling, threats, or cold-shouldering are often used by both users and abusers to get their way. This is a sign that you are better off single.

9. People have told you they’re worried that he’s using you

My parents told me an ex was a con man. I should have listened to them earlier. Thankfully, things worked out in the end when I dumped him.

10. If you make it clear you can’t buy him something or be intimate with him one night, he cancels the date

A guy who isn’t using you will show up to hang out with you, even if you’re not sleeping with or spoiling him. Trust his actions, not his words, when he shows back up asking for you to do stuff for him again. Research from USC Annenberg tells us this is the best way to find a partner.

Liza Summer / Pexels

11. He’s doing the same to other women

Whether it’s using them for intimacy or money doesn’t matter. Users will use anyone who allows them in their circles. This is because, no matter how much you give a user, they’ll want more, more, more.

12. He won’t commit and keeps coming up with excuses as to why this is the case

Assuming that he’s not with you for your money or inheritance, most guys who are looking to use women won’t commit to them. Commitment means that they would end up having to give something up, after all, and users are the type to want to have their cake and eat it too.

13. You often agree to give him things you can’t afford to give him or agree to casual intimacy because you’re afraid he’ll just leave otherwise

To a point, this is what happened to me. I’d feel like I was inadequate or “not good enough” to keep these users around me. As a result, I’d just give in. No one deserves to feel this way, and eventually, I realized that I didn’t deserve to feel this way about guys, either.

14. He makes it clear if you don’t give him what he wants, someone else will

Hearing this is heartbreaking on so many levels. Any guy who would say this or even hint at it isn’t worth your time. Trust me on this one.

15. Deep down, you know he’s using you

After a while with John, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. That was the moment I realized that I couldn’t deal with him anymore, and ever since that moment, I walked away any time he tried to approach me.

Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.