Marriage is so much more complicated now than it was for generations past. Of course, in many ways it is better. We are more equal than ever, live longer and generally have a higher quality of life. We are also lonelier than ever — even in our marriages.
After all, we must balance career, family, friends, hobbies, romance, quality connection, intimacy, self-care, relaxation, house duties, and so much more. The pressure to appear "perfect" often causes us to de-prioritize our relationships.
When we have too much going on, we forget about what matters and end up feeling profoundly alone, frazzled, burned out and exhausted. It can be extremely difficult to break out of these cycles, leaving us feeling lonelier than ever.
Seven signs your great relationship has become a lonely marriage
1. You don’t schedule time for just the two of you
Quality time is important because it helps us feel connected to our partner, as demonstrated by research in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin Journal. It helps us feel more grounded and supported and also helps us feel more attractive and desired.
Kids or no kids, your relationship needs more quality interaction than just a random night out once every other month or so.
If you are a parent, I can understand that this is easier said than done, but prioritizing your relationship will only make the two of you more fulfilled and will help the two of you work better together as parents.
If you struggle with finding a babysitter, start scheduling for a time when your child is asleep. Turn off the TV and make the connection intentional. You don’t need to go somewhere to create a date night at home.
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2. Intimacy feels like a chore
Let’s face it, sparks can fizzle. Desire and romance can fluctuate as your relationship progresses.
I have said this before, and I will say it again: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your partner if you experience this sometimes. It is completely normal to have lulls in passion and physical intimacy.
However, intimacy shouldn’t feel like a chore. You should communicate more about your expectations, as suggested by Jamie Foster Campbell's research on negotiating expectations so you can lower the anxiety and pressure around it. You should also take more time prioritizing quality time so the two of you can feel more connected (like making intimacy more enticing).
3. Your main conversation topics are work, responsibilities, and the children
If you find yourselves only talking about practical things, then your relationship can benefit from a more quality connection. A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows how you may find yourselves often on auto-pilot and just talking to each other rather than emotionally checking in with your partner.
This may be a sign you both don’t even realize how disconnected you are from your own needs and desires.
4. You haven’t been on a getaway in over 6 months
I know you may read this and think, "We haven’t been on a getaway in 3 years!" If this is the case, don’t worry! I am only mentioning this piece because I think quality getaways are a sure way to promote quality interactions, spontaneity, and intimacy.
If you are on a budget or have children that you don’t want to leave for a long period, try going to a hotel in your city for the night once every few months.
A "getaway" does not need to be a lavish vacation, it should just be an exclusive time away from the normalcy in your life. It creates mystery!
5. You don’t ever eat meals together
Maybe your schedules don’t permit this. Maybe you have children. Regardless, if you find yourselves never (or rarely) eating together, you may need a date night out to dinner with just the two of you to focus on only the two of you.
Meal time can be stressful if you’re taking care of others while trying to feed yourself, but they can also be very connecting if you only have each other to distract you, as explored by the research of David Lee and Sally McDonnell Barksdale.
Twinsterphoto via Shutterstock
6. You have a rigid routine
Routines can be helpful (even though I realize they are not for everyone!). Being Type A myself, I create a "to-do" list every morning.
However, if you find yourselves in such a rigid routine that you don’t carve out time to be spontaneous or flexible, then you both may be craving the desire to be more present and engaged with each other without the schedule.
Try to include "connection" on your to-do list and prioritize that daily. It could be a short walk around the block or a quick trip to the grocery store, as long as you are making it intentional and it’s not something you normally do, you can boost the quality time daily.
7. You find yourselves snipping at each other — often about nothing
If you and your partner are getting on each other's nerves more regularly, it may be a sign that you need more quality connection and fewer robotic or practical interactions with each other.
Being on edge and arguing over little things for a brief moment may be an indicator you both may be subconsciously craving more quality time together. You miss each other, but instead of saying that, it’s often easier to get frustrated with one another instead.
One thing to remember is everyone's version of quality time is different. One person’s idea of quality time is sitting on the sofa after work and watching a TV show together. At the same time, the other person’s idea of quality time is having conversations about life and each other’s day at work without any interruptions.
Neither is right nor wrong. However, both parties could benefit from their cups being filled. Talk to each other and ask for examples of how your partner experiences quality time. How can both of you find the balance in supporting each other to feel less lonely and more connected?
Alysha Jeney is a therapist providing relationship counseling in Denver, CO. She owns Modern Love Counseling and is the founder and CEO of The Modern Love Box.
This article was originally published at Modern Love Box. Reprinted with permission from the author.
